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Write the wrongs that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.

–Arabic Proverb

What makes us lose our minds when a relationship with someone we have deeply loved ends?

It’s not about the mind. It is about our broken hearts.  Though our minds will argue, point by point the pros and cons and the rationality of the decision we made, the heart just doesn’t buy it.

  When your heart is broken, anger is like a warm coat on a frigid night, serving as your protector against the winds and the pain.

We need anger to separate and begin again.

When we are ready,  it leaves us, allowing the sadness to surface. Trading in anger for sadness is hardly a good deal,  but it is only through that door that real healing happens.

So, when your heart is broken by any life event…getting laid off from your job, losing a dear friend to cancer, betrayal, or having to say goodbye to someone you truly love, go ahead and feel it all.

Anger is your friend, sadness your opening to a new life and down the road, one day when you least expect it, you will realize that you’ve begun again.

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Not to Decide is to Decide

If you haven’t made a lot of mistakes in  your life, then you haven’t lived. Before we have time to say, “Yeah, that’s the truth!”, our chorus has shoved that out of the way, claiming to have brought us back to reality. You see, fear doesn’t want to let us leave the house because it is doing its job which is to keep us safe. Guess what?

SAFE IS ANOTHER WORD FOR STUCK.

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I spent a lot of time, both awake and asleep this past week struggling with a big decision in my love life. If you could have crawled into my head and heart, you might have said, “this woman says she helps people find and keep love in their lives?” I was so busy weighing and measuring, making a list of pros and cons, wondering how my friends would feel, looking at every “mistake” I had made in past relationships, and thinking that everyone else but me would be better at it, I forgot to eat. That is never good. Ask my boyfriend about that!

 

Fear of making mistakes controls our lives. It is as if to make a “bad”one will be the end of the world as we know it and  irreparable damage will be done. What is really behind that terror of making a mistake?

Shame looms out there like the headless horseman. It is as if we will die should that decision or action be less than perfect.

 

Here is the truth. There are no wrong decisions unless you make them with an intention to harm someone or something. Those merit some thinking, and most likely some counseling. The rest of the decisions, when made carefully and with reasonable amounts of thought and heart, are not the end of the world waiting to happen. Not to make them is to be frozen and not able to fully live your life.

 

So, take a chance today. Make a decision knowing that you are doing the very best you can to make a good one. If you decide later you wish you had done otherwise, give yourself a big hug like you would a best friend…tell yourself how courageous you were and that you truly did the very best you knew how to do. Then, go treat yourself to a piece of chocolate!!

 

 

 

 

What is Real is What Never Changes

It is easy to get lost and forget who we are and what makes us happy. It wasn’t always that way. When we were born, we knew deep in our marrow exactly who we were and we lived it because, thank GOD, we didn’t have a choice. Not very many days and months into our sweet new lives others’ words began to shape us. People are unaware of the power of words like those that shaped my early life…”tomboy”, “stubborn”, “skinny”, and “willful” were a few.

 

I was reminded of that “willful” word as we walked my son’s twins up the hills of his trendy San Francisco neighborhood. From the time I walked into the birthing room just a year ago and peered into that bassinet, I recognized in one of them something so familiar. She was ready to get out of there! Nature has cooperated and now, she is off and running. Her “willfulness” is who she is, and with love and support from her family, she will learn to treasure it.

 

Words are incredibly powerful and shape our our sense of self, but they cannot ever fundamentally change who we are. The more critical those words, the longer it may take us to shake them or redefine them to bring ourselves back to what we know in our hearts and souls to be true.

 

When you are faced with life transitions and asking yourself what you want and need in a relationship, love, career, artistic expression or in asking where you want to live, you must listen for the moments when you feel the joy and happiness that were part of you from birth. You need to pay attention free-baby-crochet-patternswhen you are filled with that certainty again that makes you want to dance with joy. You’ll know it when you feel it, but only if you take the time, open your eyes and your heart and leave your smart phone behind!

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