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Bring Back That Lovin’ Feeling

My friend suggested that I get an editor to work with me on my blogs. I get the advantage of that, but I am so resistant to it.  I don’t want anyone or anything to edit me anymore. I want only one thing…to tell the truth, the absolute truth about how I see things.  Let me say this again…it is the way I see things, not necessarily THE truth.

 Tonight, what I am seeing is an absolutely predictable pattern in the way women behave in new relationships. Here is how it goes…

We see him, we have that surge of hormonal attraction and it feels SO GOOD. Anything that follows, including the truth, we will sweep under a convenient carpet because more than anything “we want that loving feeling”.

Next we begin to get the real story. “This is who I am. This is how I behave. This is my history with women.”  They TELL US exactly what the truth is, and like some Junior High School student, we put our fingers in our ears and start the “La, la, la, la…I don’t hear you….” We just want anything but the truth.

 Perhaps the truth that men tell us is more widespread than we can let in. Maybe if we believed it, we might know what we are truly up against. These guys, even in their best behavior, simply are looking always for the next best thing. Why? Maybe the hard work it takes to stop and settle down, believing that this is as good as it gets is simply not in their DNA???  Is the old adage about “sowing wild oats” true?  Do men and women operate like the animals we are?  Oh God, if that is true, what will it mean to take our fingers out of our ears and really open ourselves to that?

For the non-human members of the species, staying until the little ones are born is all they can expect. The males bring the food, even sit on the nest while she stretches her legs and that is what she can count on.  Beyond that, when those babies are hatched and fly the nest, the guys are off to the next best thing. Maybe that applies not only to the lower species. Imagine that?  There may be some truth here, and knowing more and more about our biology can give us the understanding we need to better understand one another. As research comes in on gender roles and differences, hormones and how critical they are not only in men and women as individuals, but also relationship behaviors, it will give us concrete information. My hope is that it will also mean more compassion for one another.  Though I have a lot to learn about oxytocin and testosterone, I know one thing for sure…compassion always provides a beautiful foundation for love.

Life Through the Retrospectrescope

All that we ought to have

thought and have not thought,

All that we ought to have said, and

have not said,

All that we ought to have done, and

have not done;

 All that we ought not to have thought,

and yet have thought,

All that we ought not to have spoken,

and yet have spoken,

All that we ought not to have done,

and yet have done;

For thoughts, word and works,

pray we, O God, for forgiveness.

 

Persian Prayer

 

Regret is a killer of dreams, joy and possibilities and yet, most of us live our lives looking backward.  It happens in small ways and for many it completely blocks the sun.

 

Often when I work with clients to explore their many options I hear “I couldn’t do that! I don’t know a thing about ____________”, or “Yeah, I would love that but it’s too late.”  Saddest of all is hearing, “I wish I had done___________.” The hand of fear closes doors and possibility evaporates.  

 

Why do we close doors when to keep them open, swinging wide and free would allow so many wonderful possibilities? It is almost always FEAR, and regret is fear’s best friend. When we live in a state of constant apology,  we become victims and victimsbasset hound create excuses not to behave and act differently.

I have a wonderful friend who would have been a star pupil in the Gifted and Talented program in school had there been one back then. Artistic, brilliant, sweet and loving and about one of the nicest people I have ever known, he swims in regret and no matter how many people compliment his work, he simply cannot let that in. Regretful living can protect us from failure because we never risk trying, but at a deep cost to our souls. 

 

Let’s give fear a fair shake though. It has a really crucial job…to keep us safe and OMG, does it ever do that well! When we take it by the hand however, it exacts a price. For that safety and sleeping in our comfort zone, we never fully experience joy.  Not much of a bargain, would you say??

 

It is possible to move from fear to courage and from courage to true joy. You only have to take the first step. 

Watch the Waves, Not the Tide

I woke up this morning, raring and ready to go. I had high hopes for getting some things done, not the least of which was to learn how to manage my website which is no small thing even when you believe that an old dog can really learn new tricks.

When I finally dragged myself kicking and screaming, I knew I would rather think about yesterday than look at yet more videos that tell me how “simple” it all is. That is part of the set up for what follows…

Yesterday the skies were blue, the air so clear that there are hardly words to describe it. Lucky me… I was out sailing with a friend on San Francisco Bay watching the America’s Cup from within yards of those gorgeous boats, not to mention the gorgeous guys that sail them!  It was a far far better place than the struggle I was facing this morning.

When I am pushing myself, filled with “shoulds”, comparing myself to “everyone else that would know how to do it”, it sends me into overwhelm and despair. Call me a drama queen, but it truly does come over me like a tsunami, leaving me paralyzed. The sad part of it is, I can’t even enjoy the memories from yesterday because suddenly those are replaced by voices and bony fingers saying I should have been more responsible. For the moment and most of the day, I was lost again. Terrified at times I would not know how to find my way out, I  remembered the rhythm of the waves and the certainty that they provide. I had been here before and I knew that the key to saving  my life was to surrender, stop fighting and take a walk. The answer will come if I just keep my eyes on the waves and trust that ebb and flow.

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