I woke up this morning, raring and ready to go. I had high hopes for getting some things done, not the least of which was to learn how to manage my website which is no small thing even when you believe that an old dog can really learn new tricks.
When I finally dragged myself kicking and screaming, I knew I would rather think about yesterday than look at yet more videos that tell me how “simple” it all is. That is part of the set up for what follows…
Yesterday the skies were blue, the air so clear that there are hardly words to describe it. Lucky me… I was out sailing with a friend on San Francisco Bay watching the America’s Cup from within yards of those gorgeous boats, not to mention the gorgeous guys that sail them! It was a far far better place than the struggle I was facing this morning.
When I am pushing myself, filled with “shoulds”, comparing myself to “everyone else that would know how to do it”, it sends me into overwhelm and despair. Call me a drama queen, but it truly does come over me like a tsunami, leaving me paralyzed. The sad part of it is, I can’t even enjoy the memories from yesterday because suddenly those are replaced by voices and bony fingers saying I should have been more responsible. For the moment and most of the day, I was lost again. Terrified at times I would not know how to find my way out, I remembered the rhythm of the waves and the certainty that they provide. I had been here before and I knew that the key to saving my life was to surrender, stop fighting and take a walk. The answer will come if I just keep my eyes on the waves and trust that ebb and flow.