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OMG, What am I Going to Do Now?

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There is only one thing we can guarantee this new year to bring and that is change. Sometimes we ask for it. A hidden populus votes a man with zero experience in running a country into the highest office in the United States under the banner of change not even knowing perhaps what they want changed, simply that they don’t like things the way they are.

 

Nature must have known that change could be dangerous. We evolved lizard brains that have only one setting, “Don’t Change. Danger!!!”, and thanks to the lizard, we stay alive when motorists threaten to run us over or our bodies say, “Geezzz, 18 below and they say there is no such thing as climate change?” while we put on our llama-lined socks with heaters.

 

Yes, things around us change every second of our lives and yet, change is frightening for most of us even if we are miserable where we are.  As the saying goes, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”

 

This year I know for certain now that I will be moving from my sweet little sanctuary that has for four years sheltered me and fed my soul. Its southern exposure warmed my spirit and body no matter the season. My walks alongside the Bay, beautiful views as spectacular as anywhere in the world, a safe, snuggly tree house where I could look down at a busy world and up at the most astounding sunsets you can imagine. And now I have to move in the coming year, and today, I can only feel sadness and a longing to keep things the same.

 

Here’s what I know about change given a lifetime of moving from coast to coast, developing new businesses and moving on to the next thing, and yes, not being a woman who has a trophy for “longest marriage”.  The sadness and the fear are truly temporary. Next will come the excitement and the wonder of what will be next? Perhaps the Bay won’t be in view, but I’m betting something else just as beautiful is waiting right around the corner. Would I have chosen any of this? No. But often, change chooses for us and like toddlers, we are tugged along with no idea where the hell we are going.

 

So wherever you are in your life, know that it will be different tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Stay curious and excited and open so that you can absorb the juiciness that change will bring to your life. Yes, it’s scary as hell at times. You’ll feel lost in the dark woods. Days may go by where you can’t get out of your pajamas and you need a rake to comb your matted hair. Just stay with it and let it take you to places yet unknown.

 

Happy New Year and Bring on the Changes!

If you’re tired of watching those sunsets alone and really ready to CHANGE your life so that you can find that special someone with whom to share this next amazing chapter,  I can show you how.

Call me at 520-817-4242 or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love for a Complimentary Strategy Session today. 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

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You Got Yours…I Got Mine

 

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“Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together”

Excerpted from “Broken Together” performed by Casting Crowns

 

Most of my life I thought there was a man out there who was better than the one that was in my life.

Someone with a mother who hadn’t criticized and judged him , a father who loved him just the way he was, a man who still believed in love and who could show up with everything necessary for a healthy and happy relationship. Is it too much to ask??

 

Years passed, my relationships began blissfully and ended sadly and still I believed that Mr. Close to Perfect just hadn’t appeared yet. Maybe he would be in the next round of “Matches for This Week”.

 

It takes as long as it takes to learn something, but thank God I finally got it! Everybody that has lived as long as I have is battered and bruised and comes with an array of gashes, scars and a few gaping holes in their souls. And guess who’s among them?

 

Often people who are single say they are looking for a healthy partner with no baggage. Most want to begin with a clean slate, but it isn’t gonna happen. We are all like famous paintings hanging in the Louvre, each of us with layer upon layer of old “paint”, the product of countless ” failed”attempts. 

 

Successful relationships are possible and well worth the courage it takes. We grow them only when the soil is forgiving and the gardener is compassionate. Before we can expect someone to love us as flawed imperfect people, we MUST learn to love and accept our own imperfection.

 

Don’t get me wrong. There are many people who are unable to create and sustain healthy, functional relationships. And there are people who are toxic and unhealthy for us. No amount of love can change them. A therapist, maybe. It’s the man or woman that has the health and humility to see their part in past relationships that didn’t work, can see the need for changing something in themselves so that they get different results, and most of all a DEEP DESIRE to do the work it takes together with a partner who wants that very same thing….a loving, nurturing relationship with a foundation of trust and the guts to stay when the urge to run feels like a case of poison ivy.

 

Stop looking for perfection in a partner. If you are one of the lucky ones and find a special someone with whom you want to share precious time on this Earth, cultivate compassion and summon the courage to dig deep to make it work.

Does this sound like something you’ve done and maybe are still doing in your search for love? If you’re ready to do the work to get rid of this roadblock so that you can find someone to share the next fabulous chapter of your life…Call me at 510-817-4242 and let’s do a Strategy Session together so that next time this year, you’re happy looking in that mirror!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer, Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big RED Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

donna@donnasbigredchair.love   510-817-4242

We’re All in a Delicate Condition

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We dove in! Took a deep breath over and over. Hung our hearts out to dry. Drank enough coffee at those coffee shops to need a teeth whitening…and we prayed, cried, gave up in despair, picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off… and we met someone who looks just like the picture online and in our minds. Now what?

 

There’s enough oxytocin flowing to fill a koi pond and when you spend time together, it feels as if time stands still. Eager to know this new person, you begin to ask him/her about life, love, children, work, plans for retirement, favorite foods, whether they want to thrash Donald Trump. The questions help you make some sense out of so much you don’t know.  Our minds want to evaluate, gather data and make judgments. Bless that mind’s heart. It’s working so hard to keep us safe. You gotta love it. And, you gotta watch it.

 

 

Meeting someone new that you feel attracted to feels like a miracle. It’s wonderful to finally have someone open a door, put his hand on your back when you cross streets and send you texts and photos of his dog. You want to connect, feel close and connected and one way human beings develop intimacy is through sharing stories.  But how do we know which stories to share and when the right time has arrived for sharing them?

 

When you meet someone new, remember that discovery takes time. Each person has history and by the time we are over 50, we’ve lived, loved and felt the pain of loss over and over. We are tender and more reticent to open ourselves to being hurt and disappointed yet again. It doesn’t mean we aren’t ready for love, simply that we are human and need to be treated with great tenderness.

 

I know that urge to want to know everything and to share everything that will help create the intimacy and closeness that I love in relationship, especially for a storyteller like me.  It’s tempting to ask or reveal too much too soon or to ask the new person in my life to share his history before he’s ready.

 

When you hear yourself sounding like an FBI agent during an interrogation, or you see them looking at their cell phone right smack in the middle of a sentence, it might be a clue to stop and assess. Think of you and that other person as tulips in Spring. All tucked in, closely guarded for a reason…they need time before they are ready to open. Human beings open when they feel safe and ready and not one of us has the same conditions for that to happen. So, better to take it slowly and one step at the time. If it’a match that has a chance to grow into more, the soil of trust will have been created on which a foundation can be built.

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone, waiting to open up your heart? Ready to do whatever it takes to find someone special to share this next amazing chapter of your life?
Give me a call to get started before the New Year arrives!  Call me at 510-817-4242 or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love to schedule a Complimentary Strategy Session. We can do this together and by spring, those tulips may be ready to open!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer, and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love 

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