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Every Couple Has Their “Deal”

 

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Written awhile ago, but such an important issue…here it is.

Just like most things in life, in the area of love we often think that our perceptions of others and their relationships are spot on, inarguable and just plain “the truth”. It’s our ego gone wild! And yet, we do it all the time.

 

In the past few days I have seen and felt this all-knowing”ness” in myself and in some of those nearest and dearest to my heart. Part of me understands why we hold on to our beliefs…they keep us feeling safe, create a false sense that we are in control, and most of all, that we are righteously RIGHT. And, you know what? It only serves to keep us stuck, unable to look at ourselves as creatures who not only are capable of change, but are changing every day that we live. It’s unavoidable, not only because we have new awareness but also because life itself changes us and anyone who isn’t changing is dying.

 

Not that long ago, I was in a relationship with a man I really adored. Romantic, aesthetic, brilliant, creative and deeply sweet and carrying his boxcar of baggage. Me? Pretty much the same description would apply. And our baggage felt incompatible, so we said “goodbye”, intending to move on.  The goodbye didn’t feel so good so we kept circling overhead like a hawk, feeling each other even in the absence of words.

 

Time passed, but the memories of how much fun we had together didn’t. I was “dug in” on my issue until one day, I wasn’t any more. One day as I was walking around my favorite open space, I heard a hawk overhead, easily seen against that bright blue sky and I felt my heart soften. It was as if I could breathe more deeply as tears ran down my cheeks. Something had shifted. I knew that I had let go of my relentless grip on him and on my need to have it my way. I realized that the issue truly wasn’t a deal breaker, and that indeed, I really didn’t need to hold onto it any longer. What mattered was that there was a man with whom I shared so many wonderful things and had always enjoyed spending time. And, I remembered that life is short, promising us only a second at the time of immortality. All I wanted was to share some more of it with him.

 

My sweet friends held my hand through the roller-coaster ride. There when I cried, yelled and did a “designer version” of this man that would make anyone say, “Good-riddance!”, they passed the Kleenex box and stopped short of sticking pins into him or burning the poor man in effigy. They were there for me and I couldn’t have done it without them.

 

Then, I told them I wanted to be with him again and that something had changed in me and this was what I wanted to do, not as the same woman that said “goodbye’ but as a different woman now who was ready to just show up and live day to day because my life was both full and perhaps, shorter than any of us knows. And, before me appeared a fire-breathing dragon!  “ARE YOU FU—ING KIDDING? That can’t be true. You are just compromising yourself. Can’t you see you are making a big mistake? ” And, my heart sank. Not because I thought they were right, but because what I needed from my friends was trust. Trust that I was one smart cookie. That I might know what I felt and wanted. And, most of all, that if I was making a big mistake,  it would be OK and they’d love me right through it. I wanted to share the joy I felt in my “shift” to opening up to love again. And, most of all, I wanted to know that it was OK if this was one royal screw-up.

 

I’m a believer that every couple has their “gig” and that nobody but the two of them can understand what their agreement is. From the outside, it may look like a match made in hell. We may wonder what on Earth they see in each other, why they stay together or tolerate that kind of behavior. I’m here to tell you that only they can know that. Our job is to be there to listen and to trust that there is something there that we can never truly understand. So, instead of standing in judgement, stand by those friends while they work out what relationship means to them.

Still looking for that special someone with whom you can share this next amazing chapter of your life?
Done with traveling alone, sleeping with your cats and wish you could share the next sunset with someone special?

Why not call me at 510-817-4242 or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love to schedule a Complimentary Strategy Session that might just lead you right to their door!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love 

 

Make It a “Yes” Next Time

 

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I’m copping to it…I said “Yes!” just now when the barista asked , “Would you like whipped cream on your mocha?” What the hell. If you’re gonna drink a chocolate bar, what’s a little whipped on it? And yet, how many of us won’t even allow ourselves to have that mocha in the first place, much less anything but fat-free goat’s milk in our decaf.

 

I have been made aware by some Christmas elf or holiday brainworm how often simply by saying “No” I have limited my life and the joy that’s in it every single day. It happens every time I make declarations made of mental cement like “I can’t write in a coffee shop”. Or see if this one sounds familiar…” I can’t be in a relationship unless_______”, and the “unlesses” are things like, “he wants to live together” or “she spends less time with her girlfriends” or “unless I just meet him/her naturally”.

 

So, today here I am!  Peet’s Coffee, which by the way in this part of the world probably contains at any one time more people meeting for the first time over coffee than anywhere in Northern California. It’s online dating Nirvana. What better place could there be to write about love, except for my craziness in thinking I can only write where it’s quiet. 

 

Somehow I was blessed by whatever force brought me to this place, both Peet’s and this awareness of how much happier I’ve been since I started saying “Yes” to most everything. It’s already paying big time benefits!

 

So, here’s to saying “yes” this year, beginning NOW. Every time you hear yourself thinking “No”, stop yourself. Someone calls to say, “Want to have a glass of wine tonight?” You think…”I’m too tired”. STOP! Go anyway. See what happens. And as for finding love in the coming year, fling those doors wide open and quick! Don’t limit yourself to anything. Try something and maybe even someone you might not have been open to before. Imagine there are thousands of fabulous people out there who will make your heart sing, and at times, make you want to kill them! There ARE thousands of people out there wanting just what you want, or close enough to it. You might spend some time asking where you’d like to be next year during this holiday season or if you’d like to be a bit more naughty than nice this coming year. Santa brings gifts to everyone, you know.

 

Make saying “YES “to life your only New Year’s resolution and you will be amazed at what can happen!

Email this post to a friend, post it on your Facebook page so that Yes becomes the word of the day!
Are you ready to find someone to share those sunsets and a fabulous bottle of wine? Sick and tired of coming home to only the kisses from your dog? This can be your year if you are ready to say “YES” to love!

Want to know more about how to find that love? Call me at 510-817-4242 or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love to schedule a time for a Complimentary Session with me!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer, 

Expert, Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love 

 

What Morning Skies Can Show Us

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The sky was the color of babies…you know the pink and blue that still says boy or girl to our body memory?

 

I had slept like a baby, and happy to wake up under my feather comforter, I reached for the IPad to read my morning meditations. Both my kids would tell you that I’ve been doing those morning readings, listening to soft music, candles lit ever since they were born. I love early morning, watching the skies move from pitch black to baby colors. 

 

This morning Facebook announced an upcoming birthday of a friend of mine and without pause I protested, “That just can’t be!” You see, I would absolutely swear that he just had a birthday. Couldn’t have been more than a few months ago, right? Same for Christmas being here again and the way they laughed at me where I get my oil changed when I argued that it had NOT been two years since I was in there last.

 

I hate cliche’ but OMG, time is really flying. I’ve had the physics of it explained but it doesn’t help. I remember Bette Midler’s cry “…it’s going too fast! It’s going too fast!”.

 

What can we do to slow time down? Nothing. The question now is not about slowing it down, but how to really live every fleeting moment of it. Treating it like the beautiful thing it is. Capturing those morning colors. Asking how best to spend it like precious currency. There is nothing more beautiful than time because life is merely a series of seconds and only you get to decide how to spend each one of yours.

 

How will we spend our fleeting moments today? Will we give them to someone we love?  Can we remember that time is all that matters, realize that not one person’s memory of us will be about the money we made or the things we possessed?

 

Let the morning sky be a soft tap on your shoulder today.

 

Love and time are a beautiful couple. Be generous with yours.

Please repost this on your social media pages so that others will remember the preciousness of time. 

Do you want to give your precious time and love to someone special and haven’t found them yet? 
Begin this next year’s journey to find love by calling me at 510-817-4242 for a Complimentary Strategy Session to learn what it takes to find that special someone with whom to share your very precious time.

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242    donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

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