Going the Distance…How Far From Home Do You Search?




Living in a traffic-congested area can give new meaning to “long-distance dating”. I live a stone’s throw from the most congested traffic merging zone in the entire state of California and can watch the crawl on the “80’s” when I’m having trouble sleeping at night. It’s bad! So, when single folks are looking for love and live in an area where traffic controls their lives, dating someone across the bridge can be as challenging as if they lived across the country.


Fortunately, most people don’t have traffic crazies most of the time, so the choices about how far someone lives from them isn’t as much an issue. Some people live in isolated areas, however. Sweet small towns where people know your business before you do. There is not an endless supply of “fresh flesh” coming into town, so what do you do about that??  And, believe it or not, some people have more than one home, so how do you find love when you are on the move? I’m suddenly feeling like that traffic thing isn’t so bad after all.


Here are a few things to think about when you are deciding how far you can go (no, not that!).

  1. How far are you willing to drive should that person you meet for coffee turn out to be someone you’d swim the Amazon to see again? It can happen.
  2. How flexible is your life that might enable you to travel during off-peak traffic jam hours?
  3. If that person lives in a city where you’ve always said, “I’d never live there!”, consider what you would do if he/she wasn’t able or willing to move
  4. Living on an island or peninsula is fabulous, but limiting. How open are you to meeting people outside your immediate surrounds? Once again…if it is “the one”, are you flexible about moving or is he/she? And, how do you find that out when you begin to date without sounding like a desperate person who is asking about that wayyyyyy too early?
  5. What if you see in someone’s profile that they live and work in a city and they state they are looking for someone within 5 miles of their address, but you REALLLY want to meet them? Do you contact them anyway?

These questions come up often when we are dating online. The answer is a very personal one, but there are a few things that I think apply to us all…

  1. If you know you are going to be carried out feet first from the house or space where you currently live, honor it and look for someone who might like to join you right where you are.
  2. Open to adventure? The world is your oyster and you can have fun meeting people all over the country, the world or perhaps even someone who plans to be on Elon Musk’s first passenger shuttle to Mars.
  3. Closer to home, but traffic is an issue? Be sure that both people are realistic and willing to do the drive and figure it out. If you feel resistance at the early stages such as, “Good Lord, I’m not gonna do that again!” be a realist and enjoy your coffee before you say “good luck in finding someone.

It’s up to you to decide how flexible or committed you are to living here, there or anywhere. If you are certain about that issue, don’t waste your time or another person’s time getting to know them. If on the other hand, some part of you says, “I want love and will stay open to finding it wherever it is.”Then keep looking for love and imagine that the person you are seeking feels the same. See what happens. Sometimes we end up in places we never ever thought we’d be. It keeps us young and vibrant to embrace change and love is most always worth it.

Why Online Dating Won’t Work for You




This morning I got yet another email from a friend who desperately (not in a crazy woman way) wants love. Or she says she does. “Online dating is just not working for me”.


I can’t tell you how many times I hear this from friends, clients, people who come to hear me speak about finding love by finding yourself and each time someone says that to me I can feel the inevitable sadness that accompanies giving up on something for which we long.


It’s as if the sadness begins to spread out, become contagious and dampen the hopes of everyone within earshot.


What would happen if you got up every morning to look for a job and as your turned on your computer to begin the search, said to yourself…”Well, I’ll look, but I know there is nothing out there for me.” Even if you think that “thoughts become things” is a bit too woo woo for you, you’d better believe it. How can you find love or a job or anything else if you don’t believe it is even there to begin with?


The first step to finding someone to love is believing that you are lovable. If you are in a funk, suffer from untreated depression or still believe those old voices in your head, you will most likely not find it. Worse yet, you may find someone who will prey on your own sense of unworthiness and take full advantage of your sweet heart. It can happen to all of us and it has certainly happened to me. It may look like love because you want it so badly, but over time you will know this isn’t how love feels…and then, it’s time to get out of there and heal before you get back on that horse.


Online dating is just one way to find out more about yourself. Writing that profile is the biggest exercise in self-revelation that I know. And, sifting through the many profiles online adds to your information about yourself! Yep. Nope. No Way!  These are ways you are discovering who you are. And you’ll need to know that first. If you don’t know what job you are seeking, how will you ever find it? Same for love.


When I hear someone say that online dating isn’t working, I want to say “Why do you think that is?” Of course, we’ll want to say things about “them”. If you are saying this, ask yourself first, “What about me is not allowing this to work for me?”  That’s where the truth rests most of the time.   And, speaking of time…that’s what it will take to find love. You have to be willing to do the time.  Keep asking the right questions.


Can Dogs Give You Clues About Someone?

dog walking dog



I was taking my morning “hike” down by the marina, noticing fellow hikers with their dogs. A man in front of me was walking briskly while his graying Chihuahua struggled to keep up. He never looked back to see whether he was keeping up, needing to pee or otherwise present. I had to wonder about his capacity for empathy. And then again, maybe the dog was alive because his person walked him briskly, no excuses, every day.


Further down the path, two homeless people, one with bright pink hair, sat on a bench that sheltered a small brown dog with a flowered bandana around his neck. How many times had I seen people shake their heads at the sight of a street person with a dog. The judgment that “if you can’t afford to take care of yourself, you shouldn’t have a dog!” was part and parcel of the head-shaking. Would their lives or the dog’s life be better were they not together?


He looked like a Highland Terrier…the owner, I mean. Tall, white bearded with Andy Rooney eyebrows. Walking ahead of his charge, impatient and grumpy, I wondered how his dog got through the day with Mr. Grump. Well, maybe his back hurt this morning and all he wanted to do was get home, put the dog in his lap and take a nap.


My Daddy loved animals. When he was little, he built pens for dogs he would rescue, dreaming one day of being a veterinarian. Those dogs were his world…a kind world where he was loved unconditionally every single minute of the day. Imagine his world without dogs? He taught me to love them too and I was never without a dog until I moved to the city a few years ago. Golden Retrievers, Bulldogs, Dalmations, Dachshunds, Heinz 57 varieties…I’ve had them all. They cushioned life, showed me how to love and to survive loss and dare to love again.


What would the world be without dogs? What if loving each other were that easy and effortless? Maybe there should always be a dog present in every person’s life. What amazing things could happen?

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