The Keeper of the Shoe

 

I recently met a man who brought with him a story about a woman who had recently left him. The narrative wasn’t simple and he was left standing in a big puddle of WTF!!?? His version of the story was one of many sweet months of fun and companionship. She had just stuck her neck out from under a shell in which she had been living since her husband passed five years earlier. I can only imagine how this world of dating looked after a long marriage that ended when cancer took her only love. And, now meeting this man who was solid, sweet and no doubt a loving new partner, she must have let love in again while still gripping that photo by her bed to hold on to those memories as well.

 

One day this sweet man was rushed to the hospital with pneucoccal pneumonia….you know the one that can kill you, the one that our doctors tell us “natural medicine new-agers” we REALLY need to get vaccinated for? Before this bacteria took him to the hospital, he was a healthy man, skiing the powder in Utah at 71 and still racing cars. And, after that three days in the hospital, he was back!

 

She came to visit him in the hospital, brought him food and stayed in touch, but the touch felt to this man as if it was now cool and distant. He must have felt the chill before she arrived to tell him it was over. Not only was it over, but she told him she didn’t ever want to see him again, not to call or contact her and left. Thus, standing in the WTF?! began, as did the constant questions…”What did I do?” being chief among them. No way to know. Only she had that answer and all contact was now gone.

 

In desperation, he went to her house to try and get some resolution, just an answer that he could understand. Was it too much to ask? The only thing he learned on that visit was that this 60 year old woman was now dating a 31 year old man. She had found a new love…was that the reason? It didn’t give him a moment of solace. and when I met him, it was the first thing he told me. He still had to know what he did and how bad it must have been for her to walk away, never to talk again? Can you imagine total rejection from out of the blue and no way to resolve it (that he knew how to do)?

 

So, he meets a new woman three months after this devastating experience and now, will watch her every move, every innuendo, timing of her return calls. She is the Keeper of the Other Shoe. And, where can that lead either of them?

Most of us who live and love long enough will get hurt in love. Sometimes it’s our choice of partners, death, divorce, old patterns that lead us to choose those who can’t love anyone and though it’s not personal, our hearts get broken.

After heartbreak, we need time to heal. Only we know how long that is. Don’t listen to otwho want to tell you what your timetable should be. Take the time. Ask for help from friends, clergy or a professional, but know that you must heal your broken heart so that when that next opportunity to love appears in all its splendor, you can grab it and cherish whatever happens. You won’t have a sore neck or a guarded heart while waiting for that shoe to drop.

Take your time…

If your heart is broken from losing someone you loved, it will mend. I would love to show you how to get from pain to joy again.

Text or call me at 510-87-4242 and let’s talk about it.

Teleconferencing now to keep us all safe and sound.

Beware of Martha Stewart

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Tis the season!” Whether we like it or not, the holidays have begun. Let’s not leave out Halloween. That one is not as simple as it looks.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE LOVE LOVE holidays. I’m Irish and I look for any reason to celebrate. But when I follow the Hallmark breadcrumb trail, they can lead  me right to the Hansel and Gretel cottage.

 

When I was a child, let’s just say my family had “issues”. To be fair, they were pretty big issues and led me to create a fantasy family where things were safe, predictable, and could now be on the Hallmark Channel. Early on I vowed that when I grew up and had a family, our holidays were going to be like they “should be”.

 

Halloween meant the perfect costumes, orange and black foods, baked cupcakes for all the kids in their classes, house decorations…the works! Thanksgiving was defined by a perky, perfectly cooked bird that entered the oven at 4 a.m. whether I was nursing my second child or not. The table so full it could have fed the masses, and of course, a full breakfast of homemade (not Bisquick) pancakes with blueberries, long out of season and running 15.00 a pint. There’s nothing too good for my kids! And Christmas…well, you get the picture. Be sure to include a handmade gingerbread house that cost me about 50.00 and this was in the 70’s! It had to be perfect and everybody had to be on the same page as me or it was all destroyed. That fantasy was my reality. I had no idea until much later in my life that my family could have cared less. All they wanted was to enjoy it.  And for my husband, the only thing he cared about was not missing the big game!

 

It was all for me, really. All of those holidays. I needed them. The child inside of me needed them. And, even in my 30’s, my child was driving the car. Bless her sweet little heart.

 

Now, I know what these holidays are all about. Yes, they are about love family, whether our family by birth or choice, whether stable and happy or like people spinning in a blender.  And yet, when we really boil it all down, holidays are merely one more day where we are invited to join others to have fun, remembering  that the most important thing is loving one another regardless of the configuration of our lives. In short…an opportunity to see what really matters in life.

 

Sometimes we can forget that, in reality, families look as different as all our fingerprints. Singles are often not seen or when they are, sometimes viewed with pity or misunderstanding. Single parents can feel as if they aren’t a real family. Solos who lost their partners often lose their partner’s families. Young parents with children are forming their own traditions while aging parents struggle with fitting in. Blended families, by ethnicity or re-marriage figure out their customs and how to honor and celebrate together. How far this is from the holiday cards with photos of families as they “should be”.

 

This season of holidays can be just wonderful! Defining what is really important about them such as love and closeness is the first step. Then, looking outside and remembering others around you who might need some love. Love, my friends and taking the time to share it, lift and glass to it, and just be happy with whatever happens...snowing on Halloween, burned turkey, another tie for the holidays. Notice yourself as you move into this season and if you’re already feeling stressed, ask yourself if Martha is in the room.

 

You might be feeling you could use a little guidance this holiday season. You CAN enjoy your holidays, no matter the season in your life. Give me a call or email me and let’s talk about how. 

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Life Changing Coach

Donna’s Big RED Chair

510-817-4242    donna@donnasbigredchair.love

When is Enough Enough???

 

I woke up at 4:45 this morning feeling like a four year-old waiting for Santa. I am heading out for a massage and then a great cup of tea at a tea room I’ve been wanting to see. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

I wasn’t alone when my eyes opened this morning. Already having had her proverbial “cup of coffee”, one of the voices that cohabits  with me  was ready to spar. My grin suddenly disappeared and the frown line that resembles Ruth Buzzi on “Laugh In” took its place. “How could you be taking the day off when you have work to do??”, she said. OMG, we were off and running!

When is enough, enough? What is it in all of us that will not let us rest and just enjoy ourselves fully when it is time to relax and let go? I have a few ideas about that…

Thank God  I can blame my “dysfunctional family”.  I spent much of my childhood getting up at 4am, sleeping in a cold farmhouse and never being allowed to just “be”. My grandmother’s core belief was  “Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop”. We shelled peas if we were going to sit down. We ironed clothes if we wanted to watch TV and we ALWAYS did our chores, our homework, everyone else’s chores and everyone else’s homework before we could go out to play. Everything had to be done before there could be any sort of joy or fun. Sound familiar??

Add to that living in a country that thrives on “more and better” and spawns such management ideas as “Work smarter, not harder”. The United States boasts the highest rate of productivity, and this on the backs of American workers who come to work sick, smear rouge on their cheeks to look good in a meeting when they have the flu, and are proud to say they haven’t taken a single sick day in their careers. We coined the phrase “24/7” and wear it like a badge of honor.

Well, I have to go now. I’m so out of here, leaving “Miss Productivity” behind, giving her a Personal Day!

Don’t wait until those mule driver voices get quiet, or for someone else to give you permission. It just won’t happen. You have to begin to say, “I am SO worth it!” And if you’re having trouble hearing your own voice, give me a call. I will show you how to do some radical self-caring. You won’t have to leave your partner or your children behind to do it. Just learn that putting yourself first is a loving thing to do for not only you, but those you love.

Donna Bailey, MS

Life Changing Coaching

Donna’s Big RED Chair

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

 

 

 

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