It’s Safe to Love and Be Loved

 

 

This morning I was listening to a guided meditation. God bless technology and apps that can bring this kind of peace to my mornings. And, how often when I’ve been steeped in the down-side of technology for the past two weeks do I remember the upside of what it brings to my life every single day? Love and loving are like that too. I can get lost in the memories of the past that can make me want to ditch the whole dang thing. 

 

Her soothing voice gave me permission to lie down rather than sit up straight with my feet on the floor and my posture erect. Believe me, at 6 am the word “erect” is not in my vocabulary…well, that’s not totally true. OK…back to meditation. After a few deep breaths, my guide told me to think of someone with whom I feel totally at ease, with whom I can be myself and who makes me feel totally safe. My gratitude for more than one friend who fit that bill rose from the depths of my soul. How lucky was I that I had to decide which one of them I’d focus on this time?

 

One of my friends in California drifted into my heart. I remembered many times when we were together at her home, at restaurants…it didn’t matter which memory arose, what was so beautiful was that each and every time we were together over the years, I never had to be anyone other than who I was at that moment in time. No memories of feeling judged or her wanting me to change. Just the hum of acceptance and with that, the feeling of complete relaxation and comfort…the kind I seek daily, and this morning, through meditation.

 

“Now, think of the person you want in your life to be your next life partner”, she said. “Imagine yourself and this person together at an event, a date, a place. Do you feel that same safety and acceptance you felt when you remembered your friend?” I did! I knew then, that all those years when I’d journal about feeling safe, it wasn’t an anomaly, a wounded woman who had not been safe as a child. It was simply “normal” that a healthy relationship from the moment you meet someone MUST give you the feeling that you are safe, that you are like treasured friends. There are no exceptions. 

 

So, if you are in a treasured relationship, ask yourself if you feel that safety so essential to trust and the ability to truly love. If not, perhaps it’s time to look at that and see if perhaps there’s a way to make the changes necessary to feel safe and accepting of one another again.

 

If you are living solo, and long to find the next love of your life, now you know that this next love will begin with friendship. That you will feel safe from the first coffee date onward. Trust yourself and open your heart. You will know the difference between authentic healthy love simply by asking, “Does this person make me feel safe?” You deserve to feel safe and loved by another. 

 

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone and ready to find an amazing person who makes you feel safe? Don’t be afraid. I am here to join you as your guide on this journey to love.

Contact me and we will set up a complimentary session and get you on your way to love!

Donna Bailey, MS
Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups
Donna’s Big RED Chair
510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

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What DO We Want in Love Now?

 

Recently I met a man online who was new to the scene. Bright, articulate and very clear about what he wasn’t looking for in a woman and his next relationship. Reading it, I thought, “I like how clear he is. He’s honest and confident and really a bright man…an amazing writer and he can spell!” I could almost feel the chemicals being released in my body and it felt wonderful, that sweet sensation letting me know I wasn’t dead yet.

 

At the same moment those hormones were taking off their pajamas, a light came on not only because I couldn’t sleep, but because I was about to sleepwalk right back into a familiar place…a black hole that I’d fallen into many times before. I felt a smile come across my face and like a recovering alcoholic, I knew this time I would take a different street even though there was a lot of comfort in that hole.

 

I’m addicted to the mysterious man who is a bit of an unknown quantity. He’s “almost there” or “exploring” love and relationships, and always, very “conscious”. He says he wants love in his life, he’s happy with his life, likes living alone but wants to find someone special to spend time with and share some things in his life sometimes. You get the picture, but do you get the attraction? It’s a bit like Ernest Hemingway with a dash of Richard Gere. Illusive, handsome, bright, creative, romantic and ever so charming. I’ve had some amazing food with these men. Fine wines, beautiful settings in gorgeous locations, romantic sails and even spent some wonderful holidays right out of a movie set. What more could a woman ask for? 

 

I’ve grown over the years, perhaps, grown up. Still drawn to those men who sort of want a relationship. I now know that although the honeymoon will be amazing, what will follow for me at least,  is the emptiness, confusion, struggle and drama that belongs in that Hemingway novel but not in my precious life. Now, I know to walk around that hole, take another street. That other street is less familiar and requires more from me than blithely following those delicious hormones down the road. Now, I must choose what is right for me and that requires knowing what that truly IS. It means facing my fear that he might not be out there, or at least within 50 miles of me. And the temptation to settle can return again and again when that fear appears.

 

Isn’t being a grown up a wonderful thing? It may be hard work at times, but the rewards are so amazing. When I find the man I truly want and deserve, I’ll happily walk over those spent fireworks that lay on the ground,  holding the hand of someone who wants what I want. The journey begins with knowing what that is.

 

Do you know yourself, who you are NOW, and what you really want in your next amazing relationship? Begin there because when you know who you are and what you want, you can know them when you see them. 

I’m here to hold your hand, keep you motivated and teach you how to trust yourself…and see dating as an adventure!
Let’s meet each other and get you on the road to finding love again. For a complimentary 30-minute session, give me a call at 510-817-4242 or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love to set up a time to talk.

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, and Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

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Love at the Farmers’ Market??

 

It was as if someone turned the spigot on that morning. Love was flowing through me, rusty pipes and all.

I never cease to be amazed…

Saturday morning I made my way down to Batavia’s Farmer’s Market. My first time. And though I’d heard it was a great little market, my expectations weren’t a match for the experience that awaited. Already booths were abundant with organic fruits and veggies, flowers bunched and wrapped in that brown crinkly paper, tied with yellow grosgrain ribbon…the kind your Grandmother used to hold your hair back out of your eyes.

 

Local honey and stories about bright green and yellow patty pan squash, no longer yellow, but swirls of bright yellow and the deepest forest greens I’ve ever witnessed on a vegetable. Seems the bees were cross-pollinating now (something many of us single folks sometimes have on our minds!). Beets, sweet and the color of strawberries came with a promise that if I tried them and wasn’t happy, the farmer would give me a refund.

 

Happy chickens that actually walked around all day, cows that didn’t go into the barn ’til sunset. Just like the Midwestern folks I’ve met, seems the food must be happy too. Of course, being a virgin market attendee, I overbought…maybe to have an excuse to invite my son and grandson over for Sunday brunch?

 

Done now, lugging the bags toward the top of River St., I glanced over to see the most beautiful handmade bread and pastries ever!  Well, the exception is my best friend, Charlotte’s breads whose Grandmother, Ida created and lovingly passed on to her. There they were! So I had to stop, right? Knowing I’d be eating enough gluten to inflame the joints of every soul I knew didn’t deter me one bit. Salivating, I watched him pull the loaf of walnut raisin rye, two almond scones, and a half dozen English muffins. Anxious, diving into my wallet, I saw the sign…“Cash only, please”. I could feel the disappointment flooding over me as I stood with my useless debit card. Then, that sweet guy’s voice stopped the spiral of despair. “Don’t worry about it. Really. Just enjoy it. Next time you come to the Market, pay me then.” I began the offers…“I can find an ATM. Let me just take a croissant. Keep my driver’s license. How about I give you my first-born?” He handed me the bag, smiled and repeated, “Just enjoy it.” 

 

I walked away feeling a bit teary with joy. There’s no shortage of love even in these days that can feel as if we are living in the darkness of an empty cellar at times. It’s so easy to lose sight of the love all around when we are busy, not feeling well or watching the national news…or when we’re alone, in a new town, out of a relationship with someone we thought was our forever love.

 

Just for today, take time to be loving to those you meet, recalling all the people in your life who love you to the moon and back. If all else fails, go to the movies and see the documentary about Fred Rogers, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”. It’s worth the money and a couple of hours of your life and a box of Kleenex to be reminded of what they say in another of my favorite films, “Love Actually”…“Love really is…all around”. 

 

If you’d like some help in finding that love of your life, why not call me and see how that can happen?

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

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