The Day I Married Myself

Photo from NPR.org

 

 

Some years ago during that predictable time of the year when big changes always seem to come whether I request them or not, I was winding my way through a divorce. If you’ve been there, you know the crazy mixture of  joy and sadness it brings. The weather in the Northeast echoed it in full color. Those beautiful autumn leaves reminding me that change was part of the deal of living.  So, as the leaves fell to the ground and wafer-thin ice appeared on the lakes around my house, the reality of  once again, being single came crashing down.

 

This was the second time a relationship had “failed”. I hadn’t yet learned that no relationship is a failure unless measured by the yardstick of marriage. And unless I believed that it had all been pointless and a waste of time, I only needed to look at this beautiful son of mine who had been one of many gifts from this man with whom I’d spent 13 years of my life and who had been a wonderful parent to my older son too. He’d taught me many things that would change my life forever, including my now keen awareness that I had skipped a step that had affected every day of our relationship. I had failed to marry myself.

 

When we don’t know ourselves, what we want or need, or how to ask for that from another human being, we lean on them like an oak tree in danger of falling over. We look into their eyes for all our comfort, reassurance and love to fill those empty parts of us which long to be filled.  And so, I had been looking for that someone to love me, not so much like a partner, perhaps, but unconditionally, like a  parent. And for me, when my husband didn’t deliver,  I was angry, disappointed and of course knowing it was his problem, not mine, I was out the door.

 

Some months passed, Maine’s cold winter arrived right on time and I found myself staring at beautiful gold rings in the goldsmith jeweler’s window in a sweet Maine town that I frequently visited. My favorite restaurant was there and it buzzed with bright, vibrant professionals talking about legislative issues. Mothers met to stay sane, some having sent their kids off to school with sandwiches made of Wonder bread, while other “Earth Mothers” wouldn’t dare. Tables for one welcomed those with a book and that  was my salvation during long winters.

 

I stood in the cold in front of the goldsmith shop, my engagement ring in a little velvet box in my pocket. It was time to get rid of that reminder and the jeweler had offered to look at it. So, kicking my boots on the steps, I stepped inside to wait until he could see me. In one of the glass cases there was a beautiful gold untreated turquoise ring. Untreated turquoise is soft, beautifully dark and somehow calming, but not enough to calm that deep sadness that was washing over me. Feeling the sting of tears, I got out of the shop and walked along the river. As I walked, I realized that before I could love another, I needed to love myself, to be able to meet my own needs, take care of myself for awhile…”to love, honor and cherish” ME.

 

I went back to the jeweler, removed the diamond ring from my pocket and took that turquoise ring home. The following day I said my vows to myself, to that child part of me and the strong, capable woman too. I learned to honor and love myself, always knowing one day, I would take more of myself to meet a man who would love me too.

If there’s someone you know that really wants love in their life, forward this post on to them…

 

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone? Ready to find someone to love and enjoy this next chapter of your amazing life? Don’t know how to begin, or if to begin? That’s why I’m here…to show you the way from loving yourself to loving another.

Email or call me today for a copy of my “Love Readiness Quiz” and a complimentary 30-minute session. Begin as a Valentines Gift for Yourself…and by next year, you might just be kissing the one you LOVE!

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

Big Red Chair

 

You Can’t Keep a Good Year Down!!

 

 


Let’s welcome in the New Year and  pat ourselves on the back for making it through this one with such grace…yes, YOU!

One of my favorite poets, May Sarton, says it so much better than I…

 

“When there is personal darkness, when there is pain to be overcome, when we are forced to renew ourselves against all odds, the psychic energy required simply to survive has tremendous force, as great as that of a bulb pushing up through icy ground in spring, so after the overcoming, there is extra energy, a flood of energy that can go into creation.”

 

Change is in the air all around you! Isn’t it time you grabbed the brass ring?

 

Loving yourself, believing in your own wisdom and trusting that dreams can and do come true when you’re ready to do your part. I’m here to help you find yourself and your dreams this year. Isn’t it time for more joy and happiness? Life is short and precious.

 

Give me a call or email me, even if you aren’t sure you’re ready…It’s worth it, and it is my gift to you.

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker and Writer, Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

Big Red Chair

 

 

 

Happy Holidays…Inspiration

 

I say that with some hesitancy at first, but then I realize that happiness can be obtained in many ways. That’s good news!

 

This holiday I am sitting here in my apartment in a town and state that some days feels like a foreign country. It’s nothing like any place I’ve ever lived and I’ve been working really hard for about 6 months trying to understand what’s what. I’m not sure what I expected, but “this” seems different than what I thought it would be like.

 

I’m in the 50% of people who are finding the holidays a little difficult this year. Yes, 50% of us are not writing those Christmas letters, sending cards or able to do shopping that requires more than hitting the “Go to Cart” button. There are lots of reasons…Here are some my friends and I are experiencing this year:

  1. Over a year’s worth of politics that have us swinging between doomsday and Toon-Town
  2. Financial markets that look like leeches, slowly sucking our expectations away
  3. Being alone, by choice or chance, and feeling isolated
  4. Not being near our families (of birth) and missing them
  5. Loss of people we love(d) happened right in this season
  6. Moving or have moved this year and saying good-bye to people we love
  7. The exhaustion of caring for aging parents, and all the feelings we have
  8. Being near our families (of birth) and not missing them
  9. Our friends are gone over the holidays, or perhaps forever
  10. We just can’t do one more “orphan” dinner with friends
  11. Our health is really challenging this year
  12. Our expectations that it should be different
  13. Our expectations that we shouldn’t feel this way

Any of these sound familiar?  Of course! I’m changing that statistic to 99%! A professor of mine in grad school gave me permission to make up a statistic when I need to.

 

If we can just accept that no holiday comes and goes without ups and downs, sadness and joy, perspective and complete loss of it, and wishing on a star to feel better than we do is SO NORMAL. And, even better, if we could share what we feel with each other so that we KNOW we aren’t alone, we’d really feel quite OK about this season of moving from dark to light. Did you know the whole season is about that? And better yet, just think about this...when you go into a dark tunnel, halfway, you are in the light again. Remember, you are loved by so many and they love the gifts you bring to their lives. Start with this, and then just allow yourself to feel it all!

 

Are you tired of being alone and ready to share this next chapter of your amazing life with that special someone? Sunsets are more beautiful, wine tastes better and the New Year will be lighter and brighter with more love in your life! 

Call me or email me so we can talk about making your dreams come true!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Love and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

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