The Need to be Right…What’ll That Get Ya?



And sometimes, paraphrased…”You can either be right or have a loving relationship.” The two are mutually exclusive and this is why…


In order to make a relationship work, at some point you must choose to become a couple instead of two individuals living side by side. This is not to say that each person needs to sacrifice their individuality, but when there are differences of opinion, points of view or recalling the “facts” in a disagreement, the decision to put the relationship first must be made. 


The need to be right comes from many sources. We live in a highly competitive world where boys and men are taught that they must always win or be deemed “weak” by their peers and society as a whole. Families are often competitive and some children learn to vie for parental attention by being the best. When they are not successful many children become adults who feel abandoned and invisible and their sense of self suffers.


One way some people learn to overcompensate for low self-esteem is by putting others down so that they feel “better than” and by maintaining they are “right”it implies the other person must be “wrong”. Controlling others or having to win every time always results in  disaster.


Relationships thrive when a couple comes together to work through disagreements. When one person chooses the relationship over the need to be right, the other person actually feels honored and more loved.


Prove this to yourself. The next time you are beginning to argue with your partner and you notice you want to be “right”, stop yourself right in the middle of the argument or better yet, at the beginning when you feel things begin to  escalate. Remind yourself how much more important your partner is than being right. Something magic happens when you can rise above your ego’s need to be in control, and make room for the peace that letting go of being right can bring. 


If you find yourself unable to do this, it may be time to seek  help from a relationship professional. This can be a complex issue that requires more than your willingness in order to change this pattern. You CAN find and keep love in your life  by taking the first step. Ask for help. That truly is the RIGHT thing to do.

Please Re-post This on Your Social Media Sites. We ALL Need a Reminder!

It takes two to tango and to resolve conflicts. If you are looking for someone to share this next amazing chapter of your life, you’ll want to include in your “non-negotiables” the willingness and ability to solve conflicts. Need some help developing that list so that you know exactly what he/she “looks” like?  

Call me for a Complimentary Session and let’s get you on the road to love.


Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

Ode to the Brave

Woman in desert

“Some may say that I couldn’t sing, but no one can say that I didn’t sing.”

Florence Foster Jenkins
Most of us find relationships challenging and despite our crazy little girl and boy selves looking for the perfect prince or princess, eventually realize they really aren’t coming. What we have left is a craving for love and a human spirit so strong that it’s willing to get bruised and battered on the way to finding someone that makes our hearts sing.
When we do our own work to know ourselves, or at least think we do, our hearts open and we head out into the world often with one glass slipper and one sturdy shoe, limping along. There is no cheering section when we leave the safety of our protected hearts and no fans along the route urging us on. In fact, warning signs line the road, the stories of pain and loss and broken hearts, ours and those we love circle in our heads as we limp on…but, despite the loneliness of the journey, we soldier on.
Here’s to the brave hearts who believe that though the journey has no map and there is certain to be disappointment, pain and times when the road takes them through long stretches of desert…are determined to just keep walking until they find the love they so desire. It’s so much better than the alternative.
Are you ready to go!? If you are tired of watching sunsets alone and want to find someone to share this next amazing chapter of your life…awesome!

Call me at 510-817-4242 or email me at so we can talk about the best path for finding Love in 90 Days!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair


sad toddler


A dear friend of mine’s best friend just passed away several days ago. Another sweet friend just found out his brother’s cancer is back and this time, clinical trials aren’t possible now. I want to help them and yet, feel that what I offer isn’t enough. Like some mother bear, I want to bare my teeth, protect them from the pain of it…and I know all I can offer is what I have to give…love and understanding.


Have you ever noticed how you struggle to ask for help when the truth is you are so afraid, feel so powerless, sad and  feel like a toddler who screams because he hasn’t yet developed words to ask for what he needs? And yet, even when we do have the words, it’s hard for most of us to say, “Please help me. I don’t know what to do.”


David Whyte says it so eloquently…”Help is strangely, something we want to do without, as if the very idea of it disturbs and blurs the boundaries of our individual endeavors, as if we cannot face how much we need in order to go on.” 


To need help makes us feel vulnerable and incompetent because the crazy messages that we should be able to do it ourselves runs a mobius loop in our sweet little egoistic brains. The real truthWe are born with an absolute necessity for help, grow well only with a continuous succession of extended hands, and as adults depend upon other for our further successes and possibilities in life even as competent individuals.”-David Whyte, Consolations


Not only do we need help, but human beings must help each other in order to find their place in the fabric of life. By giving to those we love, and even to those we don’t know, life-giving hormones flood our bodies. Powerlessness brings on anxiety and is damaging to our hearts…and our souls. So, practice asking for help. Start small by asking someone safe for something you need. Gradually, you’ll begin to see that this is how we thrive and feel less alone in this world that sometimes fills us with powerlessness.


If you’ve been thinking about finding love in this new year but just don’t know how to break out of the patterns of fear, poor choices in the past or wondering if there’s anybody out there, I can help you. It would be my pleasure to be your guide. When you are truly ready, just know that I am here and will offer you a Complimentary Session so that we can see what is possible when you ask for some help. 

Need help finding love?  Call me for a Complimentary Session today!

510-817-4242 or

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair



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