Help!!!

sad toddler

 

A dear friend of mine’s best friend just passed away several days ago. Another sweet friend just found out his brother’s cancer is back and this time, clinical trials aren’t possible now. I want to help them and yet, feel that what I offer isn’t enough. Like some mother bear, I want to bare my teeth, protect them from the pain of it…and I know all I can offer is what I have to give…love and understanding.

 

Have you ever noticed how you struggle to ask for help when the truth is you are so afraid, feel so powerless, sad and  feel like a toddler who screams because he hasn’t yet developed words to ask for what he needs? And yet, even when we do have the words, it’s hard for most of us to say, “Please help me. I don’t know what to do.”

 

David Whyte says it so eloquently…”Help is strangely, something we want to do without, as if the very idea of it disturbs and blurs the boundaries of our individual endeavors, as if we cannot face how much we need in order to go on.” 

 

To need help makes us feel vulnerable and incompetent because the crazy messages that we should be able to do it ourselves runs a mobius loop in our sweet little egoistic brains. The real truthWe are born with an absolute necessity for help, grow well only with a continuous succession of extended hands, and as adults depend upon other for our further successes and possibilities in life even as competent individuals.”-David Whyte, Consolations

 

Not only do we need help, but human beings must help each other in order to find their place in the fabric of life. By giving to those we love, and even to those we don’t know, life-giving hormones flood our bodies. Powerlessness brings on anxiety and is damaging to our hearts…and our souls. So, practice asking for help. Start small by asking someone safe for something you need. Gradually, you’ll begin to see that this is how we thrive and feel less alone in this world that sometimes fills us with powerlessness.

 

If you’ve been thinking about finding love in this new year but just don’t know how to break out of the patterns of fear, poor choices in the past or wondering if there’s anybody out there, I can help you. It would be my pleasure to be your guide. When you are truly ready, just know that I am here and will offer you a Complimentary Session so that we can see what is possible when you ask for some help. 

Need help finding love?  Call me for a Complimentary Session today!

510-817-4242 or donna@donnasbigredchair.love

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

dbrc-logo-square

 

I’m Happier When I’m Single

german-shepherd

 

 

A good friend of mine who just broke up with a new love said something that made my ears stand up like a German Shepherd. “You know I am actually happier when I’m not in a relationship.” Hmmmmm??

 

The thing is, I knew just what she meant! I’d been there many times and I was almost nauseated just hearing her say that because I suspect I feel ashamed that I could do that to my sweet self. Being with someone in the name of love, and feeling stressed, uncertain, wacked out crazy, full of self-doubt and yet, there anyway, sometimes breaking it off when the Wise Woman was in charge, and then catapulting myself right back there when my half a self was piloting the ship. Yes, I knew something wasn’t right most of the time, but I just didn’t want to leave something or someone because…????????

 

So, I turned the box in every direction and many times over searching for something that would make it feel better. Maybe it was me. I just didn’t understand him. He’s an artist and what can you expect from a creative person. He’s just too busy to call or email me when he travels. I just need to grow up and quit expecting too much. What I want is just childish and he was right when he called me “high maintenance”. Does any of this sound familiar?

 

I’m betting that most everyone has been in at least one relationship where they could safely say in retrospect…”It was definitely not better than being alone.” For me, the turmoil and constant stomach upsets, sleepless nights and self-flagellation was never worth what that relationship provided. But, we all learn and learn and learn some more until one day, instead of staying for a year, we stay for 6 months, then 3, then a month and one day, we recognize it’s the wrong person for us as we are sipping our coffee during that first Match date. Hooray for the human spirit!!!  And, we have to love ourselves through it the same way we may need to love a dear friend who cannot yet see how amazing his life is, that he is so worth the whole cake and not the crumbs. It takes all of whatever time it takes to stop going to the hardware store for bread. It’s those big hearts of ours that are both a gift and sometimes a GPS that’s gone haywire!

 

So, be kind to yourself if you’ve ever said or felt like saying, “You know, I’m happy until I get into a relationship.” Start doing the work it will take to teach that heart of yours how to put yourself first, then take some new paths to find a special someone with whom you will be so much happier sharing that bottle of wine. And, you know what?…there will still be some amazing fun time when you are alone and away from each other too! 

Please repost this on your Facebook page so that someone can stop beating themselves up!

If you’re tired of watching those sunsets alone, and want to find someone to share this next amazing chapter of your life, I can show you how to choose love that is good for you!

Call me at 510-817-4242 or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love to schedule a Complimentary Strategy Session!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert at Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

Certainty

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God how we want certainty in our lives. We think it’s the only way we can rest and finally have peace of mind. A big sigh, a “WHEW” that someone told us would make us happy.

 

For a moment, imagine if you were certain about everything in your life including the time, place and way that you would pass from this world to the next. Really. Take the time to just imagine it. It’s like an episode of the tv series, “Black Mirror”, or to us over 50, Rod Serling welcoming us to the “Twilight Zone”. You see, it was all a lie. Life is in and of itself a constant state of change, unless of course you’ve already found your rocking chair and are just waiting for the Grim Reaper.

 

Lately, I’ve been aware of how much I fight change in my life and it’s sidekick, “Uncertainty”. I want to tie things up in a cute little package and put a bow on it, brush my hands back and forth and declare, “Whew, that’s done!”. I hate not knowing so much that I’ve made it my number one intention to try and make friends with it, maybe even treat it like a vat of homemade ice cream…something I look forward to every day.

 

Right now, one big change in my life is moving out of the sweetest little place I’ve ever lived. I have clung to it when all else was swaying in the breeze or the bottom was falling out of my life. And now, it’s time to imagine what amazing things are going to happen because I’m letting go of that certainty.

 

Relationships can fail or thrive around certainty. When we are seeking love, that list resembling a Deli order sheet can be full of the “qualities” we think we have to have in order to be happy. They are, after all, things that we feel always made us happy…but, have they? Some check marks on our order form reflect the pain we have suffered and are our “never agains”. Rarely do we look at ourselves and how we may have changed over the years. Perhaps in truth, that list doesn’t reflect who we are or what we want NOW.

 

A chapter of love that has a longer history, certainty can be a gift. The familiarity of warts and crazies of the person we love can give us peace of mind. And, we can be blind to aspects that have certainly changed, both in our partners and our sweet selves. Comfort and certainty may be our stuck place, preventing us from risking new things and opening ourselves to fear that sharing our new and different selves might create chaos. Never are we taught that change is juicy and wonderful, only to stay in the land of what we know, or believe we know.

 

As this new year begins, take a really long look at yourself. Be inquisitive. Who are you now and what do you want in this chapter of your life? If you are single and looking for love, be sure and update yourself as you see that now. Perhaps things that mattered earlier have disappeared and I hope you will allow yourself the joy of realizing that what you want now might surprise you. It’s time to let go of the presumptions of “Certainty” and just let yourself fly!

 

Are you limiting your chances for finding a wonderful person with whom to share the next chapter of your amazing life? Need to look at yourself as you are today and then do whatever you need to do to find someone to share your life NOW?

Call me at 510-817-4242 for a Complimentary Session to see just what’s getting in your way and how to invite new love into your life.

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

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