Loving Someone…Is it Really Worth the Price?

fireworks

This was posted in 2011 and I thought it was time to re-post it. One of the most important times in my life…

I was on the phone with a friend from back East yesterday afternoon. She was curious about how I had created my business and the conversation moved to my blogging on love. Tactfully, she asked if I had found love since moving back to California and my answer seemed to come as a surprise.

 

I told her I had indeed been in love. That having grown with each relationship I had finally “put both feet inside the door” and allowed myself to fall fully and completely in love. Did the relationship work out, meaning “last”, meaning “forever”…that is the measuring stick after all, isn’t it?

 

When I told her the relationship didn’t “last”, and that I had experienced very deep love since then, she gasped, “Oh my God, did you…didn’t you get hurt!? Didn’t it take you forever to get over the pain?”  I think she may have been surprised to learn that being a mortal, a woman who lives and breathes from her heart, and a woman who wants to love wholeheartedly, I got my ass kicked when it ended. It hurt for a long time and at moments during most days, the pain lingers.

 

“Was it worth it?”, she wanted to know. “You bet it was!” And I will crack open my chest and be open to love once again because CS Lewis taught me the price of not loving…

 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;avoid all entanglements;lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket__safe, dark, motionless, airless__it will change. It will not be broken;it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

“The Four Loves” , CS Lewis

 

 

 

Please, No Drama Ladies!

Oil and water not mixingIt seems that there are quite a few men out there in the dating world who are quick to say,”I don’t want any drama in my life.” What exactly do they mean by that??

 

If by “drama” men mean conflict, then good luck finding a healthy woman or for that matter, a healthy dog. If there is no conflict in your relationship, something is amiss, and the degree to which you can negotiate will tell you all you need to know about the prospects that the relationship will survive.

 

Let’s assume he does know how to deal with inevitable conflict. Perhaps, “drama” brings up the memory of a woman of the past that he just couldn’t make happy no matter what he did. The more she wanted from him, the louder she got. With each increase in decibel or the number of “We need to talk(s)”, he withdrew. And each time he “went away”, she sank into despair. Is this what he calls drama?

 

For every man’s desire to avoid “drama”, there are a dozen women who are asking for a partner that can “communicate”. And she means…??? She might mean he doesn’t check out, get quiet, get angry…she just wants him to “get what I am saying”…to be understood. Don’t we all want that?

 

Here’s what must happen if we are to find a loving partner. We have to understand each other as men and women. The first thing we need to accept is that we are like night and day in the best of circumstances. Men who are healthy and vibrant want to be loved and understood, and most of all, ladies…they want to make you happy. That is numero uno for them…just to make you happy.

 

Men…a woman who is healthy will feel things deeply and though she is strong and capable, she will need you to listen to her, hold her at the end of the day and just listen. She doesn’t need a solution. She just needs to be heard. That is what makes her happiest of all.

Please post this on your social media site and post your comments on this blog. Let’s get this conversation started so we can be happy in love.

 

 

 

Loving the In-Between

leaf floating down a river

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we want to be, we have to be willing to be in-between. It can feel like being lost in the woods.

 

 

 

One of the hardest things we have to do as we grow and change is let go of what is old and familiar, what we don’t want and be willing to stand there empty-handed and wait for something new to appear. As human beings with brilliant minds, we long for meaning when standing in the dark.

 

Being in-between might mean being without work, or not having a love relationship. We ache from it, long for it, need it, deserve it, want it and yet, the time is not right. We have to clear out a place in us before we can receive the next best thing.

 

Letting go of the familiar is frightening even when people, places, things and ways of coping have not gotten us even a smidgen closer to what we want and deserve. That is exactly why we often keep settling.

 

We ask ourselves when our gut is churning, or we feel a subtle but persistent restlessness whether or not we need to just accept things as they are. The choir in our heads tells us that we are “unrealistic”, that we expect too much, or that we are acting like a child and need to just grow up. We all know what being grown up means…  giving up the joy that only children are allowed. The choir members are never our own authentic voices. They are onion-layered chatter of well-meaning people who contributed to our being lost in the woods in the first place.

 

So we stand here without answers, directions or even the sun to guide us out. We can hardly stand it! And we must stand there and wait. By surrendering, we can make our time in the woods shorter by simply quieting our minds and thanking those voices of fear that served a useful purpose in the past by keeping us safe. Then, we stop fighting. Like falling into a rushing river, the way we stay alive is not by thrashing and gasping for air. We must allow the river to support us and trust it. Float for a while, notice the beauty of the woods, breathe in the night sky and trust that when you have made room in your heart and you are open to the unexpected and no longer afraid of letting go of the used-up familiar, you will have your answers.

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