Being Vulnerable

Who Can You Count on These Days??

 

It hit me one day last week. I’d been feeling lonely that day. My head knew why. “For goodness sake, Donna. Who wouldn’t feel lonely today? All your new friends are out of town…all four of them, and your family is spending the day with friends of their own”, my sweet little parent voice reminded me. Then I realized that not only was I lonely, but resentful and a little angry (am I supposed to admit that?), that my son and his family weren’t more sensitive to my needs. They should _____. Complete this sentence with anything that sounds like “poor me” and you have it!

 

I made it through that day and a few days later while in therapy, which is what I call walking, it came to me! “You’ve put all your well-being eggs into one basket and you know what happens when you do that.”

 

Do you know what happens when you do that in your life? Perhaps, you do it in your marriage or partnership with someone you really love, but he/she is always disappointing you when they don’t understand what you want, don’t listen so well that they take away all your pain or have the answer that makes you happy. Aren’t people we love supposed to “care” i.e. “fix what makes us unhappy”? Do we  believe that if they really love us they wouldn’t or would _____. That’s what love is, right? Not to burst your bubble or break you eggs, but in fact, that’s not what love is at all. True love is when we take good care of ourselves, discovering what makes us happy and DOING it. And, it’s  listening to our partners when they are struggling and believing that they will find the answers they seek. There is no greater gift to someone we love than listening, really listening.

 

Beware of where your eggs reside. Your partner should have some of them in their basket for sure. That’s what makes it a relationship. And your own basket should, at all times, hold about 80% of your eggs and 20% of theirs.  Truly, that’s what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

As for my own pity party about my son and his “insensitivity”, he and his wife are some of the sweetest, most sensitive, caring people I know. And, in fairness to my sweet self…I have only been here a year and not knowing a soul last April and through a long winter that was too cold to mingle much, I have needed and leaned on them pretty heavily. I’ve had to put my eggs in their basket while I was filling my own, one friend at a time. They’ve been pretty darned gracious in carrying that heavy basket.

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Life Changing Coaching and Speaking

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242

donna@donnasbigredchair.love

Big Red ChairGetting you from where you are to where you want to be!

 

The Real Meaning of Valentine’s Day

 

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I have had the honor and joy of living near all my grandchildren since they were born. Living now where the Polar Express roars through my life is a bit more challenging than alongside the San Francisco Bay, but one thing is the same. The amazing unconditional love between their little hearts and mine.

 

Reading a library book with my 4 year old grandson yesterday, while working on my animation in trying to do the voices of a cave boy and a wooley mammoth, he laughed, threw his arms around my neck, closed his eyes and without any questions or hesitation simply said, “Grammie, I love you SO much.” I felt as if nothing in the world mattered or was more important than the feeling of warmth that flooded my body and soul. And, that was the truth.

 

I caught myself, feeling suddenly afraid. I didn’t invite the thought into that place of sheer delight. It came on its own…”What is he going to do when you die?” And, then a voice that said, “Maybe you’d better not love him too deeply. It’s going to hurt.” Ahhhh…there it is. The thing that often keeps us holding back, holding on to the piece of us that we believe we can keep from being hurt by loss of love. We all have it. Our brains are working on their own to keep us safe. And yet, truth is, for so many years, we’ve held back truly loving, perhaps even our sweet selves, for fear that we will lose something and it will hurt.

 

You know the real regret that I fear now in this life? That I will not notice just how much I do love and am loved and that I am so incredibly lovable. Always have been. Others just made it hard to see. And truth is, you are loved and lovable too, just exactly as you are. It’s how life sets it up. Now, to do whatever it takes to believe it.

 

How will this little one deal with the loss when I pass? He will be sad, wish I were here, feel sad some more. Mostly, he will remember all the love, the time spent, the books read, the caves explored and those times when one or the other of us suddenly stopped what we were doing, looked each other in the eyes and said, “You know, I love you SO much.” Those memories will be the best legacy I can leave them all.

 

This Valentine’s Day, I hope you will remember what and who matters in your life. Tell them how you feel. Put it all out there. And, if there are people who aren’t able to love, or love you, have compassion for them, but, find those you can trust with your precious heart and love. Then, just love…beginning with yourself. 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day to You and All My Love Coming Your Way!

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Dating and Relationships Coach for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

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I Found the Moon Again

 

 

I looked at the full moon last night, realizing how incredibly beautiful she is and wondering why I had missed so many of her wonderful displays over the past year.

 

I turned off my living room lights, standing by the window looking at every detail of her face, remembering how over the years she’d been my solace during times just like these…periods of painful and exciting transition. And I felt the tears sting as they rolled across my cheeks. How could I have not noticed her these past months?  I apologized to her for my forgetting and my heart opened, quite suddenly feeling such deep compassion for myself. It was a hard year.

 

Those of you who know me personally probably know how much I believe in the power of love. Not only romantic love, but most importantly, self-love. And for most mortals, it’s a lifelong journey, probably the most urgent one we have while on this earth.  It’s never delivered in a pretty package. Our bodies challenge us, we lose faith, the “unexpected” happens and for some mysterious reason we’re always surprised because somebody told us life was easier than it truly is. Life is a slog uphill much of the time. How do we get to the place in our lives where we find a place of peace and love so that each day, no matter what happens is one for which we are truly grateful?

 

I’d like to give you the simple answer if there were one. I don’t believe all the books, podcasts or even sermons get us to peace of mind, but I do truly believe that each thing we do, person we meet, challenge we take on despite our fears and less than perfect bodies gets us there. The hero’s journey, as Joseph Campbell called it will mean we must be awake and desperately want joy so much that we’re willing to do the work required, knowing that the road will bumpy and winding.

 

Finding someone to love is exactly the same journey, requiring hard work most of the time and a stubborn willingness to get on the path, heart open and trust there’s someone out there looking for you too. Someone who, if your list of “must haves” doesn’t fill an entire page, can find his/her way to you. You have to want it badly enough to do whatever it takes because  you believe the journey will be worth the work. The first steps are always about loving yourself, feeling compassion for your own journey and finding your way back to the moon.

 

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone? Wouldn’t it be amazing to be with someone during the full moon? If you’re a hopeless romantic looking for your next amazing love, willing to do whatever it takes, I can show you how to get on the path to find someone to share this next amazing chapter of your life.

 

Get off the sofa and call me or email me today for a Complimentary Session!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

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