Compromise

Got a Problem With Urgency???

woman in fear

 

 

I’m not talking about the kind the drug companies are more than happy to offer you drugs to fix. It’s that urge to talk when the man in your life, or who used to be in your life wants exactly the opposite.

As women, we really need connection. When it isn’t there, we can feel like a fish out of water. If only we could talk to him, he would “get it” and things would be better. Alas, one of life’s little jokes is that men, when faced with emotion, indecision, confusion or just uncomfortable with their feelings or our feelings, want to be alone. It’s that “man cave” kind of place where they want to go breathe, turn on a football game, run 6 miles…anything but talk to us. What was nature thinking???? In defense of women, we now know it’s a brain thing that partially explains our anxiety about “too much time passing”. Recent research says that we need oxytocin to rejuvenate and feel calm. Contact and connection is a greater need for women and when we don’t get it, that oxy drops big time and we feel anxious. So, guys…it’s not because we’re needy or can’t take care of ourselves. It’s that we need that contact from you. So, somewhere in the middle…your need for space to regenerate and our need for contact to feel calm and safe is where you want to aim.

What can we do when the urgency to communicate pushes us to the brink? Anything but hit the SEND button. Yes, write it all down on a legal pad, all the things you want and need to say to him. Don’t censor it, don’t judge it and by all means, use every single expletive you can conjure up. Cry, scream, call a girlfriend, make an appointment with your counselor or coach. Just don’t speak to him right now.

When is the right time to talk to him? Why not have a conversation with him and find out where that middle ground is located for both of you? These kinds of exchanges head bigger conflicts off at the pass. Find a good time when you’re not feeling stressed or defensive. Then begin with, “Let’s figure out what works for us about this need to connect…”

If the relationship is new, or you’ve only been dating for awhile, it’s an opportunity to see how you both handle emotions, discomfort and communication. If that’s high on your list of qualities that matter to you, pay attention to how you get to agreement, or not.

Donna Bailey, MS
Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert, Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”
Donna’s Big Red Chair
donna@donnasbigredchair.love  510-817-4242
www.donnasbigredchair.love
Tired of watching those sunsets alone? Ready to do whatever it takes to find that special someone with whom to share this next chapter of your amazing life?

Give me a call or send me an email and we’ll do a

Complimentary Session!

The Need to be Right…What’ll That Get Ya?

 

 

And sometimes, paraphrased…”You can either be right or have a loving relationship.” The two are mutually exclusive and this is why…

 

In order to make a relationship work, at some point you must choose to become a couple instead of two individuals living side by side. This is not to say that each person needs to sacrifice their individuality, but when there are differences of opinion, points of view or recalling the “facts” in a disagreement, the decision to put the relationship first must be made. 

 

The need to be right comes from many sources. We live in a highly competitive world where boys and men are taught that they must always win or be deemed “weak” by their peers and society as a whole. Families are often competitive and some children learn to vie for parental attention by being the best. When they are not successful many children become adults who feel abandoned and invisible and their sense of self suffers.

 

One way some people learn to overcompensate for low self-esteem is by putting others down so that they feel “better than” and by maintaining they are “right”it implies the other person must be “wrong”. Controlling others or having to win every time always results in  disaster.

 

Relationships thrive when a couple comes together to work through disagreements. When one person chooses the relationship over the need to be right, the other person actually feels honored and more loved.

 

Prove this to yourself. The next time you are beginning to argue with your partner and you notice you want to be “right”, stop yourself right in the middle of the argument or better yet, at the beginning when you feel things begin to  escalate. Remind yourself how much more important your partner is than being right. Something magic happens when you can rise above your ego’s need to be in control, and make room for the peace that letting go of being right can bring. 

 

If you find yourself unable to do this, it may be time to seek  help from a relationship professional. This can be a complex issue that requires more than your willingness in order to change this pattern. You CAN find and keep love in your life  by taking the first step. Ask for help. That truly is the RIGHT thing to do.

Please Re-post This on Your Social Media Sites. We ALL Need a Reminder!

It takes two to tango and to resolve conflicts. If you are looking for someone to share this next amazing chapter of your life, you’ll want to include in your “non-negotiables” the willingness and ability to solve conflicts. Need some help developing that list so that you know exactly what he/she “looks” like?  

Call me for a Complimentary Session and let’s get you on the road to love.

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

Love in the Afternoon

Point Sur Lighthouse

Point Sur Lighthouse

It’s been an amazing three weeks here in Carmel. It seems God put every imaginable thing of beauty in one place, and filled in the spaces with friends who seem to be more loving and precious each time we tip a cup of tea or lift a glass of wine together.

 

Last week I went to lunch with a friend, a real gentleman. You know the kind of man I’m talking about. He opens doors, pulls out your chair and tells you you look “just beautiful, as always”. It sets my heart aflutter and leaves me at risk of “gettin’ the vapahs”. I hope Toni Morrison isn’t the only one who understands Southern talk.

 

The waiter kept coming to the table to take our order, the two of us lost in conversation. Finally, blackened salmon encrusted with pumpkin seeds was ordered and on its way with barely a missed breath. I’ll bet you know what we were talking about. The normal thing…men, women, dating and relationships. Is there anything more interesting to two bright, sweet, single people?

 

“So, you’re not with anyone now?”, I asked him. He smiled, saying “Well, I actually do have someone but she lives in Southern California.” Inquiring minds want to know, so I dug a little deeper. “How often do you get together?” Seems two or three times a year for a weekend felt like just the right amount of time as he saw it. As I often say, “Every couple has their gig”, and I respect that whatever works for them is just fine. Besides, by now the artwork on my plate caught my eye, and the salmon. OMG!

 

A few bites later, he began to talk about being single and that he would really enjoy being with someone “regularly”. Snuggling, laughing, dining out, enjoying a bottle of wine…seems he wanted that more than twice a year. “But”, he said, “I kinda like my mornings reading the paper, sipping my coffee and going at my own pace.” There it was again. I hear it almost every time I am in a conversation with someone single, both men and women. The Big “BUT” I like to call it.

 

Why is it that we think we have to give up something, or so much of what we like about our lives to be in a loving relationship? The list of what people fear they will lose is endless…their friends, playing golf, quiet time, decisions about money or vacations and whether or not the dog would be able to keep sleeping on the bed.

 

Wiping my mouth and ready for pumpkin custard pie now, I asked, “Why do you think you’d have to give that up?” He looked confused and sat back stiffly in his chair unable to say anything. Seems he’d never thought about it before. He’s been living on a steady diet of old mythology and past experience, or at least what he felt happened in prior relationships. It puzzled me that this wonderful, successful man had felt somehow robbed of what he wanted to do with his mornings.  “Why couldn’t you drink your coffee, read the paper and take your time?”, I asked.   “Well, I don’t know. I think she would want me to talk or do something with her.” Pushing on, I asked him “Couldn’t you just tell her early on how much you valued and needed your morning time?” His eyes opened wide as if to say, “Are you kidding me?” or perhaps, “I hadn’t thought of that!”

 

Like my friend, many of us think of a relationship as something that will take from us rather than give to us something we truly want and need.  Do you think that perhaps those excuses not to try are really fear that we won’t find anyone to love or worse yet, a way to avoid having our hearts broken yet again? What does it take to trust that opening our hearts again can give us much more than it can ever take from us?

 

Remember, when you find him/her, you’ll  have to let them know what you’d like your morning to look like. You might be pleasantly surprised when she/he offers you something even more interesting than the morning news and a cup of cappuccino.

 

Wiping that caramel from the corners of my mouth and in a near food stupor, I couldn’t  help but ask him one more question. “Do you know the kind of woman that you are looking for?” If dessert weren’t sweet enough, he said, “One like you.” Melt…..

Donna Bailey, MS
Coach, Speaker, Writer, Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”
Donna’s Big Red Chair
510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love
Are you tired of waking up and having breakfast alone? Are ready to do whatever it takes to find that special someone with whom to share this next amazing chapter of your life?
Email or call me so we can talk together and find a way to get you on that path!

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