Daily Inspirations

Why Do We Jump to Conclusions?

 

Before you jump…think!

There is no place where hair-trigger decisions are made faster than in the smorgasbord of online dating. Some of it is unavoidable because it’s a bit like condensed milk in there. Everything about us poured into one page? Really? And those photos are either winners or killers because there is truly a scientific reason for attraction, so we can’t blame that on ourselves when we look, then can’t hit “NEXT” fast enough.

 

 

But, let’s look at why we keep jumping to conclusions and some of the things that my clients have told me over the years…

“If he hasn’t been married by now, there’s a big problem.” Hmmm…could be. I have certainly experienced a few men who hadn’t been married and had emotional issues that no wise woman would or should put up with like rage, extreme jealousy, addiction issues.  And then, there are men and women who lived with partners for long periods of time and didn’t drink from the Holy Grail of marriage, but did have great long term relationships that ended amicably.

 

“Looks like she cares more about her dog than the man in her life.”  Boy, Howdy! Those dog photos can send folks into some very strange places. I once dated a man who was bitten in the butt by a woman’s tiny Bichon while they made love. Now, you gotta give that conclusion-drawing to him, right? There are men and women who seem to be able to love and adore their dogs, but lack capacity for intimacy with other humans. But, most of us who love dogs really would rather kiss another human goodnight. 

 

“I don’t want to date anybody with grandchildren. They are always with them.” This is a tricky one, as is when we find someone who is sharing a home with an adult child now (or the adult children never left home). Many things can mean families re-combine in later life. The economics of where you live can mean share a home or leave the area and family and friends. And, there are people, both men and women whose joy comes from parenting and re-parenting grandchildren…and so many others who love their grands, and still want a vital, adventurous life of their own. So, be aware that pictures do not tell you one single thing except the gene pool is still active. 

 

Perhaps the reason we jump to conclusions rests in the fact that finding love is scary. It’s “safer” somehow to look for reasons not to fall in love, or not to take the risk that real love requires. Our old memories are powerful. We associate new people we meet with our past losses and pain. Thinking it probably won’t work can protect us from the inevitable pain of losing love again. And, I’m sure I’ve done it…passed on or pushed someone away that might have made me very happy.

 

Try something new next time you meet someone. Pay attention to those voices that are certainly there each and every time you have a phone conversation or meet for a drink or coffee. If you find yourself attracted to them, look at what about that person makes you happy and comfortable. Then, when you suddenly see something in them that makes you jump out the starting gate, perhaps prematurely, try to stay put and ASK THEM a few questions to check your hunches.  It’s a fatal flaw in new relationships and in long-time partnerships…WE DON”T ASK! Let’s change that with courage and a deep belief that imperfection is what we will always find in ourselves and someone else. Expectations, movie-versions of love, Disney-versions of romance…all set us up to fail. Questions asked with curiosity and an openness to listen will help us navigate this crazy ocean of love.

 

If you’re tired of watching sunsets alone, have room for someone in your life and are ready to do the work it takes to find them…I can show you how.

Call or email me for a Complimentary Session and if we’re a match, I can help you find Love in 90 Days!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

510-817-4242    donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

I Met Him in an Uber

I didn’t think twice that afternoon. Money was no object. By gosh, I deserved it!  I called Uber.  Michael arrived in a gas-guzzling but beautiful Yukon. To my tired body, it  looked like a stretch limo.

 

He was about my age, African American man with a big smile and a voice so welcoming that I didn’t care how long it took me to get home, he’d get me there…yes’ Ma’am! And the young woman who was sharing the ride… OK, so I did at least use the Uber X to split the cost. “I’m from Patterson”, he told us. Seems he had gotten up very early, driven to two airports and decided since he was in the City, he’d make a little money before heading home where he pays 1500.00 per month to rent a 4-bedroom, 4-bath house.  When the young woman told him that her San Francisco studio apartment in a building built in 1904 cost twice that and he almost ran off the road,  it was clear that he truly hadn’t spent much time in the City.

 

She got out at her ridiculously costly bedroom, and the two of us headed out toward the Sunset. He’d never seen Golden Gate Park, the Bridge or the Great Highway that runs along the Pacific shoreline. So, while I became a tour guide, he asked me about my day…how sweet was that? I told him my “real job” was a coach and that I helped people find love. “How ’bout couples?”, he asked. Then, he began to tell me about his 30 year marriage and how his wife wanted him to show her affection…not sex…affection. He said, “I’m not good at that. I never saw my Mama and my Daddy show any affection. They didn’t show me any affection or tell me they loved me, so I don’t really know how to do that either.” This sweet big-hearted man was SO lovable, and yet he had no idea how to give his wife what she wanted but he truly wanted to make her happy.

 

So, we talked and I gave him a Reader’s Digest condensed version of what women want and need, how it feels to be a man and feel you never can get it right, and the yearning both women and men have just to be heard, understood , touched and loved. It was new information for him and he ate it up, hungry to learn how to show his love to her.

 

The ride was almost over. He had learned why he needed to listen and not fix things. How much she needs to talk and why. How he can take baby steps to just touching her on the shoulder, or giving her a hug without any expectations. He even planned on bringing her flowers. He knew she might be surprised at first or think he’d gone mad. But, this man wanted to change, to learn and grow in ways that would make his wife happy. That after all is all he had ever wanted.

 

I wish I could have been a mouse in the corner of his living room when that weary man returned to Patterson that night, flowers in hand and maybe put them in a vase for her the next morning. Who knows what happened to him. But, I know what happened to me. I was so happy when I got out of that Yukon. See…I had given to someone something so important to my life. The gift that I have to bring to this world had been used. That’s what makes us all happy. Giving our gifts to someone who is just waiting for us to come into their life, sometimes quite by chance in the most unlikely places and ways. Thank you Uber, for sending Michael  to pick me up in every way!

 

Do you want to know more about how relationships work? Improve yours, or perhaps find someone with whom to share this next amazing chapter of your life?

Give me a call or email me to set up a Complimentary Session so we can find a way to bring more love into your life!

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coaching, Speaking, Writing and Expert”ing” in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

Pillow Talk

Who would ever think a pillow could talk? The only time I remember hearing much from a pillow was when I was a teenager and used them to practice kissing the boy that I fantasized as tall, dark and handsome and whose transport would be, of course, the standard white horse. Neither man nor beast would have one imperfect hair out of place.

 

Not long ago I went on Amazon to find just the right pillow. It would be small, soft and fit just perfectly in the curve of a man’s arm. His arm would be wrapped around me, holding me close. I’d feel safe and lovely and loved as I fell asleep to the sounds of a fire still burning in the fireplace. It’s never perfect…so, of course there were also sounds of snoring, both man and dog. Ah, but even the snoring was sweet, my head resting comfortably on my soft little pillow.

 

As life would have it, the pillow arrived a few days too late. His arms were no longer open, but closed across his chest. I was back in my own bed, an hour from the beautiful fireplace and the snoring. My pillow never had a chance. Now it sits on my shelf, holding the promise of love yet to come. The pillow says it promises to take care of this sad old neck of mine while I fall asleep in someone’s arms.  I know he’ll be there, the pillow and the man, when the time is right. I have faith in love and I’m willing to wait, to do the work, to learn and grow from each and every relationship that has ever graced my life. And, I’m ready to forgive the lot, feel love and compassion for myself and everyone I know, even those I don’t know…all of us willing to have our hearts broken while finding just the right arm on which to lay.

Are you tired of sleeping alone and want to share your bed and this chapter of your amazing life with a special someone? Ready to do whatever it takes to find them?

Call me for a Complimentary Session at 510-817-4242. There’s someone to love just around the corner and I can be your GPS to love if you’re really ready to go.

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert, Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

 

Page 20 of 89« First...10...1819202122...304050...Last »