Daily Inspirations

Married or Single…What’s the One Thing That Will Make a Relationship Work…or Not?

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You may have your own word to describe this quality in someone you love or the someone you want to find to share this chapter of your life. My word is humility. A relationship cannot survive and thrive unless both people have this quality.

 

Humility is a complex word with many definitions that span from “the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people” to a spiritual take, “…a quality of being courteously respectful of others. It is the opposite of aggressiveness, arrogance, boastfulness, and vanity. Rather than, “Me first”, humility allows us to say, “No, you first, my friend.” Humility is the quality that lets us go more than halfway to meet the needs and demands of others.”

 

The most important quality you can have in a relationship with someone you love is humility. You see, no relationship will ever be without disagreement, conflict and simple differences of opinions and points of view. What does that mean but the ability and willingness to compromise and to communicate, listen, stay open and drop the ego! You’ve heard the saying, “You can either be right or be married”. Even if you don’t marry, and you are just starting a new relationship, it will require that both people have humility.

 

What does it feel like when someone we care about doesn’t seem to have to ability to see their part in issues that arise? Have you ever been with someone who always seemed to find ways to make the problems all about you? Someone with whom you try to talk about your feelings and he or she cannot or does not hear you? It’s easy to recognize these kinds of people by how crazy you feel most of the time. You can’t always identify just how every disagreement becomes something about you, but never about them because they can weave a web so dense and complex that you feel powerless to get out of it. And the way you know is how you feel when the burden of blame piles up over time.

 

Without the ability or willingness to have humility and step into our partner’s shoes, someone’s voice disappears. And even if your relationship continues, like the game of “Whack a Mole”, the results will pop up elsewhere. Perhaps sex disappears. Sunday mornings get quiet. Someone gives up and finds what they need elsewhere. There is no Plan B for the lack of humility.

 

If you are looking for love, first and foremost look for humility. The moment you know it isn’t there, make a beeline back to yourself and take a deep breath before you begin the search again. If you are in a relationship and this sounds familiar, seek some professional help. Life is too short to live without your voice.

 

Please post this on your social media site so that someone you know can better understand what is making them crazy.

And, if you are in this pattern in your search for love, call me for a Strategy Session to get moving in a different direction.

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242    donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

 

What Does Your Driver’s License Say About Finding Love?

Those of us unfortunate enough to be in the “dating pool” these days are having the perpetual discussion, debate or argument depending on which friend you are talking with over a glass of wine. It goes like this…

Hourglass“I just want to meet him ‘naturally’,  not online. You know, like at work or church,  some event thing, or something like that. Maybe someone introduces us? I just want it to happen naturally.”

 

I couldn’t agree more.  First of all, it saves me about forty dollars a month and that is no small thing. Do you ever really add up the cost of putting yourself out there as a one-dimensional creature with a couple of photos taken way too close up? Then there’s your therapist bill when you begin writing your profile and all your dank, dark self doubt jumps up like some Jack- in- the- Box from the 50’s. Add up the emotional and financial costs and you have one expensive search. You had better hope something or someone comes out of all this.

 

What does it take? I hate to tell you what you don’t want to hear but it takes time and exposure. Not of things that at this age shouldn’t be exposed, but being visible to others who want love just as much as you do.

 

Ask yourself how many times in a week or a month you are out and about where it’s likely you will strike up a conversation with some stranger. If you see Mr. Handsome in Starbucks, are you going to walk up to him and say, “Hi”? What are the odds of finding your next love just by chance? Now, take a deep breath and look at your driver’s license. How many years have you been here already? You really might want to increase your odds and do a search for a dating website you like. There are thousands of people just waiting to meet you and trust me, much like going to a 12-Step program, everyone there is there for the same reason.  Get yourself off that sofa right now and at least begin.

Encourage someone you know. Forward this blog to a lonely friend who needs to get going!

510-817-4242 or donna@donnasbigredchair.love

I am happy to be your guide, cheerleader and hold your hand once you are off the sofa!

Just pick up the phone and give me a call to set up our Strategy Session to see if we are a match.

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red  Chair

What’s the Difference Between Settling and Compromise?

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Last fall I was at a very macho event talking to a woman friend about, guess what? Men.

 

My friend had been single for many years. Gorgeous and hot at 65-plus years, it would seem that finding a guy would be “like butta’…” , right? Well, not so much.

 

 

I was thinking a lot about the issue of settling, so asked her what she thought the difference was between settling and compromising and like a racehorse after the bugle, she began rattling off her “grocery list” of what she was and was not looking for in a man. The list looked more like a novel and though I knew she wasn’t ever going to settle, it was suddenly clear to me why she might still be single.

 

There is no  ideal partner unless we “Copy” and “Paste” and  I don’t’ think even Steve Jobs had that figured out. When you are looking for a someone to love, keep your list of non-negotiables short by asking one question: “How important is it…really?”  Be willing t0 refine that list, to compromise while still holding on to the things that are truly vital to a healthy, happy relationship. If, however, you are looking for someone with no “baggage”it might be time to go online to see if Mr or Ms. Right has been created inside one of those Silicon Valley start-ups!

 

“Settling” occurs when we “know better” and make a choice to get into or stay in a relationship because of fear of being alone or, God forbid, having to get back into the freezing waters of the dating pool. The crazy belief that there is nobody else out there that will want to be with us can convince us to settle for what we have even when it overrides our own truth about what we want and need to be happy.

 

When we settle,  over time we will corrode. It is slow, insidious and  tricky like a fox, but our soul absolutely knows the truth and keeps stubbornly tapping us on the shoulder. That sweet soul works so hard to tell us we are worth more than crumbs, reminding us that life is short and precious, and even though change is scary, that we will land on our feet.

 

Identify the things you MUST have in a relationship and stick to your guns! Stay open to the rest. Then have the courage to GO FOR IT! There is someone out there who will rock your world and you will rock theirs. Don’t settle for less. Go for the joyous juiciness of the real thing.

 

Are you REALLY ready for the real thing..the whole enchilada?

Call me to set up a personal Strategy Session

I’ll show you just what is possible so you aren’t tempted to settle for just crumbs!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer

Expert, Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

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