Dating

It’s Safe to Love and Be Loved

 

 

This morning I was listening to a guided meditation. God bless technology and apps that can bring this kind of peace to my mornings. And, how often when I’ve been steeped in the down-side of technology for the past two weeks do I remember the upside of what it brings to my life every single day? Love and loving are like that too. I can get lost in the memories of the past that can make me want to ditch the whole dang thing. 

 

Her soothing voice gave me permission to lie down rather than sit up straight with my feet on the floor and my posture erect. Believe me, at 6 am the word “erect” is not in my vocabulary…well, that’s not totally true. OK…back to meditation. After a few deep breaths, my guide told me to think of someone with whom I feel totally at ease, with whom I can be myself and who makes me feel totally safe. My gratitude for more than one friend who fit that bill rose from the depths of my soul. How lucky was I that I had to decide which one of them I’d focus on this time?

 

One of my friends in California drifted into my heart. I remembered many times when we were together at her home, at restaurants…it didn’t matter which memory arose, what was so beautiful was that each and every time we were together over the years, I never had to be anyone other than who I was at that moment in time. No memories of feeling judged or her wanting me to change. Just the hum of acceptance and with that, the feeling of complete relaxation and comfort…the kind I seek daily, and this morning, through meditation.

 

“Now, think of the person you want in your life to be your next life partner”, she said. “Imagine yourself and this person together at an event, a date, a place. Do you feel that same safety and acceptance you felt when you remembered your friend?” I did! I knew then, that all those years when I’d journal about feeling safe, it wasn’t an anomaly, a wounded woman who had not been safe as a child. It was simply “normal” that a healthy relationship from the moment you meet someone MUST give you the feeling that you are safe, that you are like treasured friends. There are no exceptions. 

 

So, if you are in a treasured relationship, ask yourself if you feel that safety so essential to trust and the ability to truly love. If not, perhaps it’s time to look at that and see if perhaps there’s a way to make the changes necessary to feel safe and accepting of one another again.

 

If you are living solo, and long to find the next love of your life, now you know that this next love will begin with friendship. That you will feel safe from the first coffee date onward. Trust yourself and open your heart. You will know the difference between authentic healthy love simply by asking, “Does this person make me feel safe?” You deserve to feel safe and loved by another. 

 

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone and ready to find an amazing person who makes you feel safe? Don’t be afraid. I am here to join you as your guide on this journey to love.

Contact me and we will set up a complimentary session and get you on your way to love!

Donna Bailey, MS
Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups
Donna’s Big RED Chair
510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

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Big Red Chair

 

 

What “Rules of Dating” Really Matter?

rules photo

 

 

Boy, do we have rules when it comes to dating and relationships! Most of us have no awareness of them until we stop long enough to see them.

And, truth be known, about 90% of these rules only get us into trouble.

 

A good friend introduces you to someone, saying “You two would really like each other. You should get together!” Well, since personal introductions are as rare as hen’s teeth, you’d be a fool to ignore it. Who makes the first contact? Rule 1: Assuming this is a heterosexual match-making effort, this rule says that the man “should” take the first step.  But Why?? Remember going to the junior high dance with your girlfriends and waiting for one of those cute, sweet guys to cross the gym’s Arabian Desert with the confidence of  the Fonz? Pretty much didn’t happen, right? Well, why are we still believing that is their job when it was too scary for them way back then?

 

Try on this one…Rule 2: Men don’t like women who are aggressive, bossy, dominant, “forward”, or… wait for it…powerful. True or False? Who knows, but many women have this belief in the marrow of our bones, so to be the first to say, “Let’s meet for coffee” feels scary and risky. My question is WHO IN THE HELL WRITES THESE RULES?

 

How many dates until you sleep with her? Who pays the dinner bill? How long after the date should you wait to send a text saying “I had a good time” or “Want to do this on Friday night?”  How long do you date before you expect someone to be monogamous? How do you ask them if they are still online?

 

And after you have been seeing each other _______ months, is it time she/he introduced you to friends and family? He/she hasn’t said “I love you” and it has been ________ months. He wants to go to Peru for two months. How can he do that? He must not care.

 

You get the gist of it and if you pay attention to your own thoughts, there are many many more of these RULES by which we live for some ungodly reason that is beyond me. And yet, I am drawn to live by them too until I realize (and I have realized big time lately) how utterly random and destructive these kinds of benchmarks are in our love lives.

 

Me… I am working hard at developing a new paradigm of dating and relationships. In this new world, I will let go of artificial timetables, useless stereotypes, and random measuring sticks as much as is humanly possible. Then, I plan on spending some time surveying what “rules” might need to remain because the remaining 10% are healthy guideposts and boundaries and those are a necessary part of loving someone and building a life together.

Confusion often leads us to make mistakes that can cost us an opportunity to find the love we so want.

If you’re not having success in your search for love, perhaps it’s time to learn the truth about what men and women are all about and discover just how to find a special someone with whom to share this amazing chapter of your life!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

I Might Get Hurt

If you have been breathing,  you have been hurt by someone or something in this life.

One of the major reasons we avoid opening our minds, much less our hearts to dead tulipslook for love now is that it still hurts.

You’ve heard the sound of hurt before…

  • “I am perfectly happy being alone. I don’t need anyone.”
  • “It would be nice to have someone to grow old with, but it is just too much trouble.”
  • “Why open myself up to being hurt again?”
  • “I really do want to find someone, but I just don’t have time!”
  • “I went online once and nobody responded to my emails, so that didn’t work.”

Some of that may feel true and fear is normal for all of us who want to love again…and yet…

Everyone wants and NEEDS to be loved and to love and, I mean beyond our dogs and cats, grandchildren and godchildren, and even our best friends. I am talking cuddling, holding, kissing, lying in bed listening to the other snoring, touching and being touched, and for many having mad fabulous sex! And when we have been in an emotional and relational desert for a long time, it is SO painful that we often develop ways of protecting ourselves from the possibility that we might be hurt again.  Denial becomes our way of coping, and over time we convince ourselves that we don’t need love anyway. So,WE BUY ANOTHER DOG!

Step One to finding a special someone is taking that sadness and longing out of mothballs and looking at the cost of living without love. Doctors will tell you that people who are in relationships live longer and have fewer physical and emotional problems. I am here to tell you that the risk of looking for love will always be worth it. And, you’ll have to get off your sofa and begin.

Will it hurt? It most definitely will at times. But will the rewards of opening your heart wide be far greater than any hurt you may experience?…I can guarantee it, or your money back!

 

Do you ever feel like your life is “really OK”, but when the sun sets or you open that bottle of red that is your favorite, you really wish you had someone with whom to share those moments? You’d love to go back to Italy, but don’t want to do it alone? Maybe it’s time to start the journey to finding someone special with whom to share this next amazing chapter of your life. Afraid and don’t know where to begin? I’m there to show you the way…

Get out of your chair, and give me a call, or email me to see how your can find someone to love…again

The 30-minute call is complimentary!

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

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