Decision making

What DO We Want in Love Now?

 

Recently I met a man online who was new to the scene. Bright, articulate and very clear about what he wasn’t looking for in a woman and his next relationship. Reading it, I thought, “I like how clear he is. He’s honest and confident and really a bright man…an amazing writer and he can spell!” I could almost feel the chemicals being released in my body and it felt wonderful, that sweet sensation letting me know I wasn’t dead yet.

 

At the same moment those hormones were taking off their pajamas, a light came on not only because I couldn’t sleep, but because I was about to sleepwalk right back into a familiar place…a black hole that I’d fallen into many times before. I felt a smile come across my face and like a recovering alcoholic, I knew this time I would take a different street even though there was a lot of comfort in that hole.

 

I’m addicted to the mysterious man who is a bit of an unknown quantity. He’s “almost there” or “exploring” love and relationships, and always, very “conscious”. He says he wants love in his life, he’s happy with his life, likes living alone but wants to find someone special to spend time with and share some things in his life sometimes. You get the picture, but do you get the attraction? It’s a bit like Ernest Hemingway with a dash of Richard Gere. Illusive, handsome, bright, creative, romantic and ever so charming. I’ve had some amazing food with these men. Fine wines, beautiful settings in gorgeous locations, romantic sails and even spent some wonderful holidays right out of a movie set. What more could a woman ask for? 

 

I’ve grown over the years, perhaps, grown up. Still drawn to those men who sort of want a relationship. I now know that although the honeymoon will be amazing, what will follow for me at least,  is the emptiness, confusion, struggle and drama that belongs in that Hemingway novel but not in my precious life. Now, I know to walk around that hole, take another street. That other street is less familiar and requires more from me than blithely following those delicious hormones down the road. Now, I must choose what is right for me and that requires knowing what that truly IS. It means facing my fear that he might not be out there, or at least within 50 miles of me. And the temptation to settle can return again and again when that fear appears.

 

Isn’t being a grown up a wonderful thing? It may be hard work at times, but the rewards are so amazing. When I find the man I truly want and deserve, I’ll happily walk over those spent fireworks that lay on the ground,  holding the hand of someone who wants what I want. The journey begins with knowing what that is.

 

Do you know yourself, who you are NOW, and what you really want in your next amazing relationship? Begin there because when you know who you are and what you want, you can know them when you see them. 

I’m here to hold your hand, keep you motivated and teach you how to trust yourself…and see dating as an adventure!
Let’s meet each other and get you on the road to finding love again. For a complimentary 30-minute session, give me a call at 510-817-4242 or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love to set up a time to talk.

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, and Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

Big Red Chair

What “Rules of Dating” Really Matter?

rules photo

 

 

Boy, do we have rules when it comes to dating and relationships! Most of us have no awareness of them until we stop long enough to see them.

And, truth be known, about 90% of these rules only get us into trouble.

 

A good friend introduces you to someone, saying “You two would really like each other. You should get together!” Well, since personal introductions are as rare as hen’s teeth, you’d be a fool to ignore it. Who makes the first contact? Rule 1: Assuming this is a heterosexual match-making effort, this rule says that the man “should” take the first step.  But Why?? Remember going to the junior high dance with your girlfriends and waiting for one of those cute, sweet guys to cross the gym’s Arabian Desert with the confidence of  the Fonz? Pretty much didn’t happen, right? Well, why are we still believing that is their job when it was too scary for them way back then?

 

Try on this one…Rule 2: Men don’t like women who are aggressive, bossy, dominant, “forward”, or… wait for it…powerful. True or False? Who knows, but many women have this belief in the marrow of our bones, so to be the first to say, “Let’s meet for coffee” feels scary and risky. My question is WHO IN THE HELL WRITES THESE RULES?

 

How many dates until you sleep with her? Who pays the dinner bill? How long after the date should you wait to send a text saying “I had a good time” or “Want to do this on Friday night?”  How long do you date before you expect someone to be monogamous? How do you ask them if they are still online?

 

And after you have been seeing each other _______ months, is it time she/he introduced you to friends and family? He/she hasn’t said “I love you” and it has been ________ months. He wants to go to Peru for two months. How can he do that? He must not care.

 

You get the gist of it and if you pay attention to your own thoughts, there are many many more of these RULES by which we live for some ungodly reason that is beyond me. And yet, I am drawn to live by them too until I realize (and I have realized big time lately) how utterly random and destructive these kinds of benchmarks are in our love lives.

 

Me… I am working hard at developing a new paradigm of dating and relationships. In this new world, I will let go of artificial timetables, useless stereotypes, and random measuring sticks as much as is humanly possible. Then, I plan on spending some time surveying what “rules” might need to remain because the remaining 10% are healthy guideposts and boundaries and those are a necessary part of loving someone and building a life together.

Confusion often leads us to make mistakes that can cost us an opportunity to find the love we so want.

If you’re not having success in your search for love, perhaps it’s time to learn the truth about what men and women are all about and discover just how to find a special someone with whom to share this amazing chapter of your life!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love

When is theTime to Get Back on the Horse?

 

 

 

 

How long should we wait after we lose someone we loved?

 

This is a tricky one and the extremes are tempting. If we just lost the love of our life, it leaves a big old hole in us the size of a giant Sequoia when, after a century, it falls. It can feel like a tooth is missing and our tongue keeps going to where it used to be, searching for that familiar feeling. All we seem to be able to do is go over and over the “why?”of it. Will this ever stop?

 

The temptation to find someone, anyone to help us stop the pain always looms. We used to call it being “on the rebound”, but whatever it is, filling a hole is not a great way to begin a loving relationship.

 

Do I wait until I am “healed”, until I don’t feel sad any more, until I “get over him/her”?  Well, if you are 25, that might work. Over 55, you could be dead!

 

Here is how I look at it…when you feel open to love again, it is time to begin. That might mean wading in. Flirt with someone at a coffee shop, buy a new dress or a soft, stylish shirt that makes you feel sexy, join the gym to lose a few pounds, firm up the abs and begin to get ready for love. Check out a free online dating website...just look, nobody will know.

 

When you meet someone and decide to go out on a date…ooops!…we call it a “coffee” so it doesn’t feel too serious, treat it like a job interview. If necessary, take a Xanax. Do whatever it takes to care for yourself, realizing that you are one brave creature. You are willing to take the plunge, to feel once again the joy of having someone across the table in the cafe who is a graduate of the School of Heart Hard Knocks.

 

 

 

Thinking you are ready to find someone to share those sunsets and nights by the fire? I’d love to be your guide to loving again.
Call me or email me for a Complimentary Session to learn more about how my plan, Love in 90 Days can get you there with clarity and confidence. 
Donna Bailey, MS
510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love
I’m a Coach specializing in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups
Donna’s Big Red Chair 

www.donnasbigredchair.love

 

 

 

 

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