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Who Can You Count on These Days??

 

It hit me one day last week. I’d been feeling lonely that day. My head knew why. “For goodness sake, Donna. Who wouldn’t feel lonely today? All your new friends are out of town…all four of them, and your family is spending the day with friends of their own”, my sweet little parent voice reminded me. Then I realized that not only was I lonely, but resentful and a little angry (am I supposed to admit that?), that my son and his family weren’t more sensitive to my needs. They should _____. Complete this sentence with anything that sounds like “poor me” and you have it!

 

I made it through that day and a few days later while in therapy, which is what I call walking, it came to me! “You’ve put all your well-being eggs into one basket and you know what happens when you do that.”

 

Do you know what happens when you do that in your life? Perhaps, you do it in your marriage or partnership with someone you really love, but he/she is always disappointing you when they don’t understand what you want, don’t listen so well that they take away all your pain or have the answer that makes you happy. Aren’t people we love supposed to “care” i.e. “fix what makes us unhappy”? Do we  believe that if they really love us they wouldn’t or would _____. That’s what love is, right? Not to burst your bubble or break you eggs, but in fact, that’s not what love is at all. True love is when we take good care of ourselves, discovering what makes us happy and DOING it. And, it’s  listening to our partners when they are struggling and believing that they will find the answers they seek. There is no greater gift to someone we love than listening, really listening.

 

Beware of where your eggs reside. Your partner should have some of them in their basket for sure. That’s what makes it a relationship. And your own basket should, at all times, hold about 80% of your eggs and 20% of theirs.  Truly, that’s what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

As for my own pity party about my son and his “insensitivity”, he and his wife are some of the sweetest, most sensitive, caring people I know. And, in fairness to my sweet self…I have only been here a year and not knowing a soul last April and through a long winter that was too cold to mingle much, I have needed and leaned on them pretty heavily. I’ve had to put my eggs in their basket while I was filling my own, one friend at a time. They’ve been pretty darned gracious in carrying that heavy basket.

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Life Changing Coaching and Speaking

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242

donna@donnasbigredchair.love

Big Red ChairGetting you from where you are to where you want to be!

 

There’s No Room for Judge Judy

 

 

It’s easy to judge from a distance. Like armchair coaching on a Sunday, we truly believe we know what the next move should be or should have been for one or both of them. Worst part is, we believe we are right!

 

Love and relationships are never a straight line. Each relationship, whether it lasts four months or forty years is like a fingerprint…as unique and complex as the two people who find themselves together. Why is it, then that people feel their advice and point of view is ever “One Size Fits All”?

 

I’m a believer that every couple has their “gig” and that nobody but the two of them can understand what that is. From the outside, it may look like a match made in hell. We may wonder what on Earth they see in each other, why they stay together or tolerate that kind of behavior. I’m here to tell you that only they can understand the reasons. It’s when our ego takes over even in the well-meaning name of love we can, without meaning to, damage our friendships.

 

The next time your friend shares a decision she/he has made about their relationship…to stay in it, go back to it, leave someone…unless you know they are in imminent physical danger or truly in an abusive relationship, please stop before you open your mouth and say to yourself, “I’m here to support my friend now. It’s not my job to tell them what to do, but simply to be there and love them as they take the next big risky step into an often dark room where outcomes are yet unseen.” Go ahead…feel your doubt, your anxiety and even your love for that friend who may have sat on your sofa weeping more than once. Commit yourself to being there the next time they need Kleenex, or perhaps need you to hold that bouquet while they place a ring on his finger. You see…always, more will be revealed and it may just surprise the hell out of you and maybe even them!

 

Trust that we all have a different path to loving someone. No path is the right one, simply the courageous act of loving another as best we can. Most of us have survived hairpin turns and crashes, yet resilient as we are, we rebound, heal and get right back up and do it again. We don’t die from heartbreak and feel more alive when we brush ourselves off and deign to do it yet again. Praise your friends for that courage! Show them that you will be there no matter the twists and turns and if you simply HAVE to say something, ask first if they want to hear what you have to say.

 

Hooray for the courage to love again and again. And, thank God for friends who will love us through it yet another time.

 

Are you ready to find love again and share those sunsets with another? No matter what your friends say, it’s worth what it takes to find someone to share this next amazing chapter of your life. Sunsets are more beautiful, travel more fun, and the holidays more beautiful than ever. I’m here to show you the way to love.

To Schedule Your Complimentary Session call me at 510-817-4242

or email me today at donna@donnasbigredchair.love

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

donna@donnasbigredchair.love   510-827-4242

 

 

Why Our Friends Don’t Introduce Us to Someone Single

 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to meet someone special in a comfortable setting rather than going online? I certainly think so. Meeting at an event where there’s something to talk about that you know you have in common makes the questions flow because you have a “natural” jumping in place. You’ve both just seen an amazing speaker at the college, or at intermission you’re still humming a song the performer just sang, and you’re waiting in line for a glass of wine. It’s an opportunity that makes talking and getting to know someone comfortable and easy.

 

I think the ideal way to meet is when I friend who really knows me and cares about me says, “Hey, Donna. I know this guy that I bet you would really like. Why don’t I invite him to dinner and you can meet him?” I trust my friend really does know who I am and what’s important to me in a relationship, so heck yeah!

 

I’m here to tell you, that has never happened. Not EVER. Why is that? Surely we must all know one single person that we like and feel is “Donna-worthy” to riff on Seinfeld a bit.

 

So, curious as to why this doesn’t happen in my life, I asked my long-time friend from Maine why he never set me up with anyone when I lived there for 13 years, some of those as a single woman. He didn’t even have to noodle it for a minute. Without hesitation he said, “Because”,  laughing right out loud, he said, ” I know all those guys too well. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

 

I think most of us do know single people who might be great matches, or at least a good date for our single friends. But maybe, just maybe we were with those friends during the worst of their marriages, contentious divorces, or handed them Kleenex when their hearts were broken. We’ve seen them in perhaps one or two relationships that didn’t work and perhaps now are left with our own judgments and holdover feelings about who we think they are and will be in their next relationship. We can’t imagine they might be different, happier, kinder when they meet someone new and different. So, instead of helping them find someone, we check in on them on a Saturday night to see how they’re doing (alone).

 

James Gandolfini  and Julia Louis-Dreyfus starred in an amazing movie, “Enough Said”, 2013. I learned something so important from Gandolfini’s last role. We are never the same person we were when we meet someone new. The very presence of another person’s uniqueness will bring out aspects of us that didn’t get a chance to shine or even to show up in an earlier relationship. So, how important is it to ask or judge or assume anything or anyone will be or do the same things they did before? And, friends need to ask that question of us and open up those “Contacts” in their phones to look at who they’d like to invite to dinner…and soon.

 

I’d LOVE to hear from you in the comments section if you have any other ideas about why friends don’t introduce you to people they know who are single?  I’m so curious?????

 

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone?  If you’re ready to find your next love, maybe before the holidays arrive…I can show you the way!

Call me at 510-817-4242 or email donna@donnasbigredchair.love for a

Complimentary Intake Session!

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

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