Truth

The Day I Married Myself

Photo from NPR.org

 

 

Some years ago during that predictable time of the year when big changes always seem to come whether I request them or not, I was winding my way through a divorce. If you’ve been there, you know the crazy mixture of  joy and sadness it brings. The weather in the Northeast echoed it in full color. Those beautiful autumn leaves reminding me that change was part of the deal of living.  So, as the leaves fell to the ground and wafer-thin ice appeared on the lakes around my house, the reality of  once again, being single came crashing down.

 

This was the second time a relationship had “failed”. I hadn’t yet learned that no relationship is a failure unless measured by the yardstick of marriage. And unless I believed that it had all been pointless and a waste of time, I only needed to look at this beautiful son of mine who had been one of many gifts from this man with whom I’d spent 13 years of my life and who had been a wonderful parent to my older son too. He’d taught me many things that would change my life forever, including my now keen awareness that I had skipped a step that had affected every day of our relationship. I had failed to marry myself.

 

When we don’t know ourselves, what we want or need, or how to ask for that from another human being, we lean on them like an oak tree in danger of falling over. We look into their eyes for all our comfort, reassurance and love to fill those empty parts of us which long to be filled.  And so, I had been looking for that someone to love me, not so much like a partner, perhaps, but unconditionally, like a  parent. And for me, when my husband didn’t deliver,  I was angry, disappointed and of course knowing it was his problem, not mine, I was out the door.

 

Some months passed, Maine’s cold winter arrived right on time and I found myself staring at beautiful gold rings in the goldsmith jeweler’s window in a sweet Maine town that I frequently visited. My favorite restaurant was there and it buzzed with bright, vibrant professionals talking about legislative issues. Mothers met to stay sane, some having sent their kids off to school with sandwiches made of Wonder bread, while other “Earth Mothers” wouldn’t dare. Tables for one welcomed those with a book and that  was my salvation during long winters.

 

I stood in the cold in front of the goldsmith shop, my engagement ring in a little velvet box in my pocket. It was time to get rid of that reminder and the jeweler had offered to look at it. So, kicking my boots on the steps, I stepped inside to wait until he could see me. In one of the glass cases there was a beautiful gold untreated turquoise ring. Untreated turquoise is soft, beautifully dark and somehow calming, but not enough to calm that deep sadness that was washing over me. Feeling the sting of tears, I got out of the shop and walked along the river. As I walked, I realized that before I could love another, I needed to love myself, to be able to meet my own needs, take care of myself for awhile…”to love, honor and cherish” ME.

 

I went back to the jeweler, removed the diamond ring from my pocket and took that turquoise ring home. The following day I said my vows to myself, to that child part of me and the strong, capable woman too. I learned to honor and love myself, always knowing one day, I would take more of myself to meet a man who would love me too.

If there’s someone you know that really wants love in their life, forward this post on to them…

 

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone? Ready to find someone to love and enjoy this next chapter of your amazing life? Don’t know how to begin, or if to begin? That’s why I’m here…to show you the way from loving yourself to loving another.

Email or call me today for a copy of my “Love Readiness Quiz” and a complimentary 30-minute session. Begin as a Valentines Gift for Yourself…and by next year, you might just be kissing the one you LOVE!

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

www.donnasbigredchair.love

Big Red Chair

 

Holidays…You Gotta Love “em”, Right?

 

 

 

Yesterday afternoon I gathered with a bunch of women who decided not to go winter alone. We call it the Women’s Wisdom Circle because despite the cesspool filled with messages to the contrary that live in our heads, we all know that we ARE wise indeed.

 

The only challenge is holding on to that belief as it moves from our gut that says, “Yes! That’s the right move!” to what comes out our mouths which can sound not at all like the truth. Imagine the journey from gut to voice…past our grandmother’s voices, the church’s bony finger, the library shelves marked, “Boys” and “Girls”(Yes, that once did happen, at least up in Northern Maine), and mothers who took little blue pills to keep their voices quiet.

 

In that room yesterday there was wisdom galore. Taking a deep breath, I owned my one word we were allowed describing how we really feel about winter…DREAD!. One woman jumped on it, saying “it’s all in how we define it in our minds”, urging us all to be grateful, keep a journal, relish the alone time, go inward. I tried to buy it, but it wasn’t working for me, at least last night. She didn’t know me yet, so how could she know that going inward was not my challenge, and that I had stacks of gratitude journals, and that I AM grateful for so many things in my life? There are times when all the gratitude in the world doesn’t touch how we feel this time of year…both because it’s winter, and for some of us, because we’re alone and want to go outward toward another human being. To find love again and cherish alone time rather than looking for ways to stay awake just to have less of it…that’s what we want. 

 

I recently moved after a rather difficult year back in CA. I wasn’t well most of that year and lost my apartment in a market that only the tech folks can afford. And yes, I was grateful then as now. But, change is just plain hard, even when it’s good. Now, I can begin to feel the good of it as I sled down a hill in my grandson’s backyard almost crying from the joy of it. New friendships are feeling warmer and I’m in the circle most days rather than feeling outside it. And, I’m waking up to the want again. The longing for love and all that it brings to winter’s chill.

 

Turning on my computer to browse faces, scanning the rooms at the art opening, remembering that those bright, sweet men I seek might be at the library. Remembering how much lovelier holidays are when you can share them with someone special makes it well worth the layers of underwear, down coats, ugly hats and sturdy shoes it takes to put one foot in front of the other.

 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to share this next chapter of your life with someone special? Are you tired of watching sunsets alone? Are you ready to do whatever it takes to find love again?

Begin NOW, and perhaps next year’s holidays will find you dancing!

 

Call me and let me get you started on your90 Days to Love”

510-817-4242  or email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love

 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

Big Red Chair

Know What Men Find MOST Attractive? Prepare to be Surprised!!

 

 

 

So, how many women reading this think men are looking for younger women? How about this one…Men are only interested in sex. Well, you are RIGHT!!  Men are interested in sex, but not ONLY in sex. And, they are attracted to younger women, but not to establish relationships, necessarily. There are, of course, men who are happily partnered with younger women, but there’s more than age that makes him care for her. And, the things that make a man want to be with you are not about how old you are. There’s so much you don’t know about what men want and need in relationships. It’s not your fault, by the way. We aren’t taught about what real relationships are built on, so I hope I can offer some new insights, so that you don’t waste your time trying to squeeze into a size 2, or spent a fortune on a new dress every time you go out on a date. More important to me is that you begin to learn the truth, the FACTS about men and stay open to some new beliefs about loving them and allowing them to return that love. Until we women do that, we may find ourselves alone, or feeling alone even in our long-term relationships.

 

There are two kinds of attraction. One is “Sexual Attraction” and the other, “Romance and Emotional Involvement”. Most of us know only the things the media taught us, and that our parents may not have taught us, thus we carry a heavy load of misinformation. Sexual attraction we know lots about. That’s what keeps the cosmetic industry going strong, not to mention Victoria’s Secret. It’s what keeps that other woman’s voice chattering away in our heads, “You aren’t pretty enough to get anybody”. “Who would want a woman in that size dress?” And God forbid you have had a mastectomy. Those voices are heavy and persistent. But, I want you to know what’s true about you, and that men are looking for women beyond the sexual attraction “phase”. 

 

We forget our DNA hasn’t changed that much, and we are all still cavemen and women. Don’t underestimate that. Did you know that one of the 4 most important things men look for in a woman during the Sexual Attraction phase is SHINY HAIR! Go advertisers!! Count how many commercials you see for those products. Why does it matter? Because in the caveman era, shiny hair was a sign that a woman had enough body fat to produce it, and the more body fat, the more fertile…and that’s what it was all about for them then. Survival. Still, it’s in that DNA of men today as are all things sexual,  including attraction to  great bodies (of all sizes and shapes), that zaza ZOOM of sexual energy. So, we naturally can believe they only care about our looks and whether or not we are sexually appealing. But there’s more, and it’s this “more” that will determine whether or not a man will find you the kind of woman he is looking for in a partner. Women who have these qualities are the “Keepers”, so if that’s what you are seeking…look for my next Blog Post and I’ll show you what truly matters to men looking for love, or keeping the love they’ve found! And, by the way, if you’re looking for great sex in your life and not interested in going beyond that stage, that’s OK too. There are men out there who share that vision too and we all get to choose a path that makes us happy. If you want more in your next relationship…stay tuned. 

 

Are you tired of watching sunsets alone and ready to find someone special to share this next amazing chapter of your life? Ready to learn more about yourself and kick those roadblocks to the side of the road so he or she can find you? I’d be honored to be your guide!

Let’s talk and see what will give you the confidence, skills and moxie to do whatever it takes to find love again!

510-817-4242  donna@donnasbigredchair.love

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair

www.donnasbigredchair.love

C

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