How Deeply Do We Go?

man with armor


It’s Friday night and you’re at your favorite music venue. It’s intermission and standing beside you is a really attractive man. You want to approach him, but just when you’ve given up, he turns and asks you how you liked the music. And it begins. One thing leads to another as you meander in your conversation, discovering each other’s likes, dislikes, political views and if intermission is long enough, whether you have a problem with his downing 3 martinis.


Down the block from that club the glare of the computer screen housing hundreds of faces stares back. You see a look, great eyes, a Golden Retriever romping with him on the beach and the lead in, “Say something about his photo!”. You know his height, the color of his eyes, astrological sign and that he is a “social drinker” (whatever that means). Hitting that button to reply, you strike it rich. He responds with an invitation to meet for coffee. Plans are made…


You sit in that local coffee shop where people in your neck of the woods always seem to end up when they meet on a dating site. In he walks, looking pretty much like the photo and you’re off! What do you say after the barista calls your name to pick up your iced mocha?


Where do you jump in and how deeply do you go when you first meet someone? The balance is ever so delicate and will often determine whether or not you make plans for that second date.


Picture the layers of our skin. You remember…the dermis, epidermis and the hypodermis and I think it might help. The top “layer” is toughest and protective, the second dermis produces sweat, and the hypodermis is the nuts and bolts, connective and ever-strong constant layer. That’s rather how we are as human beings. When we meet, we have our protective layer in full operation. We sweat because it’s scary and what we really want to do is dive into the deepest layer to ask questions like this:

Are you a crazy person?”

“Am I going to get hurt?”

“What’s wrong with you that you are still single?”


What’s the alternative? “What’s your dog’s name?”, ” How about those Giants?” You can see the dilemma when you meet someone online with only one reason for being there…to find someone. How do you find out more about them in as “natural” a way as is possible? Find something you liked about their profile and ask them to tell you more. Perhaps it’s that they graduated with a degree in law and are now writing poetry. Maybe you love Italy too. Begin where you are, being mindful of assumptions about their past history, wading in beyond the weather forecast but well before asking them to tell you about their divorce. You have to get past the dermis and it’s main function…to protect from pain and injury… before you can really know him. But, if there is an attraction, you’ll have the time and timing to “go deep”.  So, take it easy and enjoy the ride.


Are you tired of being alone? Want to find a special someone to share this amazing chapter of your life? Scared or don’t know where to begin? I can show you the way.

Call me at 510-817-4242 or email me at

We’ll set up a time for a Complimentary Session to find out what it takes to find love…again

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big RED Chair